


To All The Men I've Loved Before

by Laney1728



Series: Love and Regret [1]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Drama, F/M, Friendship, Love, Romance, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-09-28 10:24:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 23,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17181179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laney1728/pseuds/Laney1728
Summary: Probably got this from the title, but it's based on "To all the boys I've loved before".Since she was a teenager, Kathryn would write a letter to each man she fell in love with, keeping details of her most personal thoughts and feelings. What happens when Naomi sends them? What happens when Chakotay reads his?(Set about two or three years post endgame.)





	1. Chapter 1

“What if he was the one? What if I never find another boy who will like me?” she buried her face in her hands as tears began to trickle down her cheeks.

It was the middle of the night and Kathryn was about to go to bed when the doorbell had rung.  
When Kathryn had opened the door a little over an hour ago, the last thing she expected to see was a tear-stained Naomi Wildman asking to talk. She was shivering and hysterical about some boy named Stanley who broke up with her only a few hours before. Now they sat on the couch under blankets, talking in Kathryn’s dimly lit house.

“Now I think you’re being a bit over dramatic. You are beautiful, smart, and funny. I don’t think any boy with half a brain would turn you away. The key is finding the right boy,” Kathryn said.

“You sound like my mother,” Naomi scoffed.

“Speaking of your mother, have you tried talking to her?”

“I’ve tried….it’s just, you’re so easy to talk to. There’s no judgment, it’s different with her,”

“I don’t think your mother would judge you, Naomi. But I’m glad you felt safe coming and talking to me,”

“I really think I loved him…..love him,” Naomi said, her voice cracking with the realization of her own words.

“I know… I was your age once. Young love is….so special but so many times it’s fleeting. You’re both just growing up and learning so much about the world, everything is so brand new. You’ll look back on your time with him fondly. Someday, when you find the right guy…everything else will pale in comparison. This boy didn’t sound like he respected you very much, but maybe, in time, you’ll come to see that there are other boys far more deserving of you. He’ll come to his senses and see how idiotic he was for letting you go in the first place. I suspect, however, that by the time he does, you’ll already be with someone better. Trust me, either way, you’ll get through this,” Kathryn said.

Naomi was silent, taking in everything Kathryn was saying and trying with all her might to stop her tears.

"I remember the first boy I ever loved. I mean really truly loved,” Kathryn said.

“What was his name?” Naomi asked.

“Justin Tighe,” she paused for a moment as the images of his smile came back, the look in his eyes when she’d enter a room, or the sound of him calling her name.

“He was sweet and caring and handsome. Before him, I hadn’t felt such an instant, powerful connection with another person. My relationship with him was what defined romantic love for me. It separated all of the boys before him into a sort of dalliance category, they were nowhere near as meaningful,”

“What happened?” Naomi said, her genuine curiosity momentarily distracting her broken heart.

“There was an accident, he umm….he didn’t make it,” she neglected to mention that her father hadn’t either, that she was the only one who had. It haunted her, no matter how much time had passed. She still felt the dull ache of guilt surround her like an old friend, but she wouldn’t feed into it, not now, not anymore. She shook the thoughts and refocused on the teenage girl in front of her.

“I’m so sorry Aunt Kathryn. I…I don’t know what to say,” Naomi said, realizing that some of her problems were so small in comparison.

“It’s alright. It was a long time ago. The point is that after he passed away, I thought that I would never find anyone, that I would live the rest of my life alone. I was only twenty-three years old, I had my whole life ahead of me and I had already given up,” Kathryn said sadly.

“What changed?” She asked.

“I met Mark. Well…met him again. We had known each other as children but slowly drifted apart after high school. After Justin died, he came back to see me. He was one of the people who helped me pick up the pieces. He put me back together,”

She paused as new memories filled her mind. How they would have intellectual conversations with each other, how he would make her breakfast in the morning after a long night of not talking at all, and how incredibly gentle he was, at least when she needed him to be.

“He was so different from Justin, but he was everything I needed: stable, loving, patient. I could’ve married him, I could’ve been happy being his wife, but it wasn’t in the cards,”

“Weren’t you two engaged for a while? Why didn’t you get married before?”

“I’ve asked myself that so many times. There were what seemed to be a multitude of reasons at the time, all of which are utterly stupid looking back. He…he never pushed me. Sometimes I need to be pushed. His patience was what I needed at first, but after a while, it was what held us back. He would never put his foot down, he would wait. I liked that, but it allowed me to push it so far back that it never happened. If he had been more assertive, and if I hadn’t been so closed off maybe we would’ve married. But we shouldn’t focus on the past, what’s done is done,”

“Thank you for telling me all this. I never knew you’d been through so much,” Naomi said, taking Kathryn’s hand.

“It’s ok. Everything happens for a reason,”

“So what’s the reason you never got with Chakotay?” Naomi said with a raised eyebrow and curious smile.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kathryn tried so hard to conceal whatever she felt for that man, but it rarely worked.

“I may have been young on Voyager, but anyone with two eyes could have seen the chemistry between you two. I was so confused when he started dating Seven. I was sure that you two would get together when we got home,”

Kathryn almost scoffed ‘you and me both’ she said to herself.

“Chakotay and I…We never…that whole situation was…is massively complicated,” Kathryn stuttered.

“But you loved him?” Naomi asked with a gentle smile.

Kathryn thought for a moment. Of course, she loved him, that was overtly clear, but should she say it out loud? She never had before spoken of her feelings for Chakotay, never put them into words.

“Yes…yes, I loved him,” the words left her mouth without another thought, practically rolling off her tongue.

‘Love him, you love him Kathryn, and he abandoned you for someone half your age,’ she said to herself, and her stomach dropped.

“How about we get back to the subject of your romantic troubles. We’ve talked about my love life for too long,”

Naomi noticed Kathryn’s level of discomfort on the subject of Chakotay and decided not to push it too far.

“Okay…well, there is this other guy. I think he might like me as more than just a friend,” Naomi said with a shy smile.

“See? New prospects already. Why don’t you tell me about him,” Kathryn said, relieved the subject had shifted.

After the two had talked for another hour, both found it increasingly difficult to keep their eyes open and soon they drifted into a deep sleep on the couch in Kathryn’s living room.

_________________________________

“Knock, knock! Honey, I’m home!” Phoebe said teasingly.

Her entrance pulled the two from their sleep. Before either had their eyes completely open, Phoebe pushed back the curtain on the large window that faced them, exposing the bright sunlight and making them squint.

“Get up you lazy lumps,” Phoebe shouted, making her way to the kitchen.

“Good morning to you too!” Kathryn shouted back groggily.

Kathryn looked to her left over at Naomi.

“Naomi, allow me to introduce you to my younger, and slightly peculiar, sister Phoebe,”

Phoebe entered the room at hearing her own name.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Naomi,” she said standing and holding out her right hand to shake.

“Voyager’s firstborn. The last time I saw you, you were much smaller. You’ve gotten so gorgeous, you’ve got to tell me your secret,” Phoebe said, taking her hand and shaking it.

Naomi laughed and shook her head.

“She gets it from her mother,” Kathryn said, smiling right at Naomi.

“What are you doing here Pheebs?” Kathryn asked, stretching her back after an uncomfortable night on the couch.

“Don’t tell me you forgot?” Phoebe said putting her hands on her hips.

“Oh my God,” Kathryn said in realization.

“Mmmmhmmm,” Phoebe shook her head.

“The party. It’s tonight,” Kathryn said.

“Yes and you told me to clear the day so we could both get ready,” Phoebe said.

“What party?” Naomi asked.

“A party for a colleague, an admiral. He’s retiring and they're throwing a huge celebration in his honor. Everyone’s going to be there,” Kathryn explained.

“And she’s letting me be her plus one,” Phoebe noted.

“Sounds like fun,” Naomi said.

“Well your welcome to come along, we’re about to go pick out something to wear and get all fixed up,” Phoebe suggested.

“I don’t know. Wouldn’t it be rude since I wasn’t invited,”

“Nonsense, since sissy here is a big shot admiral I’m sure it’ll be fine,”

Kathryn shot Phoebe a glare at her remarks, but Phoebe ignored her.

“Really, are you sure?” Naomi asked.

This time Kathryn cut in.

“Of course, you’re welcome to join us. But call your mother and see if it’s alright with her first,”

Naomi’s smile grew in a split second, and she immediately ran over to contact her mother, leaving the two sisters to chat for a moment.

“Ya know, I’ve been hearing that a certain captain might make an appearance tonight…without his little blonde borg,”

“Stop it, Phoebe. Annika is a friend,”

“A friend who stole the love of your life. A friend whom you haven’t seen or spoken to in months and owe nothing,”

“It doesn’t matter,” Kathryn said.

“Yes, it does Kathryn. From what I’ve heard, she’s out of the picture for good. That means you’ve got a chance. So tonight, I say you go for it. Show him how stupid he was to ever date that toddler in the first place,” Phoebe said confidently.

Kathryn almost lost it at the toddler remark but managed to keep her composure.

“You should really stop reading those gossip columns. He’s probably still with her,” Kathryn retorted.

“I didn’t read this in a gossip column. Alright, I did, but I followed up and called B’Elanna. Sweet woman, a bit angry, but she said that it was true and that he’s single,”

“You just called up my former chief engineer to gossip about my…. Former first officer?”

“Yup,” Phoebe nodded.

“Are you insane?” Kathryn said angrily.

“Without a doubt, but get this; she also said he’s been asking about you a lot. Even Asking if you’ve been seeing anyone,”

“He has?” she asked in disbelief as an unexpected smile crept up.

“He has! See? God, it’s just like high school, a boy likes you and now your all giddy and blushing,”

“Am not!” Kathryn said defensively.

“Oh, you so are. And after everything you deserve to be happy; with him. But the likelihood that it will happen decreases significantly if you show up in baggy PJs with grey roots,”

“I do not have grey roots,” Kathryn said, bringing her hand to the top of her head.

“I was actually tempted to call you Gretchen when I walked in,” Phoebe teased.

“Stop that!” Kathryn yelled.

“Are you sure it’s not your retirement party we’re going to,” Phoebe joked.

“Oh you’re so dead,” Kathryn ran to the couch and grabbed a pillow, quickly throwing it at her sisters head, missing only by a few inches.

“See, your aim is way off. Out of practice big sis,”

“you haven’t seen me shoot a real phaser little sis,” Kathryn shot back.

“Hey, my mom said it’s ok to go with you guys,” Naomi interrupted.

“That’s great. How about some breakfast before we go shopping?” Kathryn said.

“Sounds good,” Phoebe shouted, running towards the kitchen.

“None for you. I don’t cook for mean sisters who make fun of my roots,”

“Fine, I ate before I came. So worth it,” Phoebe teased, taking a seat at the kitchen table.

The three of them ate and laughed until they cried. By the time everyone settled Kathryn went off to get changed out of her PJs and into regular clothes.

“What did you two do last night?” Phoebe asked.

“I came over to talk with aunt Kathryn…about boy stuff,” Naomi said, looking down at her hands in her lap.

“Boy stuff huh? Brings back memories. Did my sister talk about her own boy troubles?”

“Yeah, a little, but not much about the most recent one,” Naomi said.

“So you know about how she feels for Chakotay?” Phoebe asked. It had taken her months to get Kathryn to tell her anything about why she was so upset.

“Who doesn’t know?” Naomi laughed.

They both chuckled. After a pause, Phoebe spoke again.

“I wonder if she still writes those stupid letters,”

“What letters?” Naomi asked.

“Ever since we were little, she would write a letter about the boy she was dating,”

“She did?” Naomi asked.

“Yup. She said it was therapeutic or something I don’t know,” Phoebe said.

“Where does she write them?”

Phoebe leaned over the table to see if Kathryn was near. She then got up and walked over to the console.

“Come here,” she said to Naomi.

The two sat at the console as Phoebe started fiddling around with it. Within the minute she was in.

“Oh Kathryn, so smart yet so simple. She hasn’t changed any of her codes since junior year,”

“And here they are. She must have deleted the others. The only ones on here are…Justin, Mark, and you know who,” Phoebe said.

“And she writes these letters to them, but never sends them?” Naomi asked, confused by the concept.

“Exactly. Me? I always just say what I’m feeling. Like right now I’m feeling that I should go find Kathryn and see what’s taking her so long to get dressed. I’ll be back,”

Naomi looked at the console and took a deep breath.

“This better work or else I’m so dead,” she muttered.

She quickly constructed two messages. One was to Mark, she attached his letter to the message and hit send. Then she did the same for Chakotay. She figured sending a message to Mark would increase Kathryn’s chances at getting one of them to reply positively. Maybe if things don’t work with Chakotay, they will with Mark or vice versa. Naomi looked at the letter made out to Justin and hoped that he left this existence knowing how much Kathryn loved him. By just the first few sentences she knew he must have.

_June 13th, 2357_

_Dear Justin,_

_Every time you look me in the eyes, you say you see your future. I laugh and roll my eyes, but deep down it gives me butterflies. You are my everything, there aren’t words that could convey my love for you. Last night I told you that and I asked you to marry me. You started laughing and said that of course, it would be me who asked seeing as I was never one to do things by the book. You said that you love that about me, that you love everything about me. It wasn't the first time I had heard someone say they loved me, but it was the first time that I believed it._

  
Naomi had to stop the tears, she wouldn’t have an explanation for them If Kathryn caught her crying. The letter went on for another page talking about the future she had envisioned with him, the children they would have and the house they would get. She heard the two women coming in from the next room, laughing hysterically at something. Naomi quickly closed all of the letters and the messages. She ran back to her seat at the table and waited for them to come in.

“Ready to go?” Kathryn asked.

Naomi simply nodded and the three walked out the door.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the wonderful comments and support. I'm so happy you guys are enjoying this story. Hope you enjoy this chapter as well! 
> 
>  
> 
> WARNING: Some bad language gets used in this chapter, hope it doesn't bother people.

“Kathryn are you ready?” Phoebe shouted, looking in the mirror one last time to fix her earrings.

“Aunt Kathryn,we’re going to be late!” Naomi added.

“Ok, ok I’m coming,” Kathryn muttered from the back bedroom.

The two turned as Kathryn entered, their mouths nearly dropping at the sight.

“You look amazing,” Phoebe said.

Kathryn wore a floor-length spaghetti-strapped dress. The navy blue colour matched her eyes, while the slightly daring neckline and a slit up the side emphasised… . Her hair was past her shoulders and loosely curled, and her makeup was utterly flawless.

“Really? You think?” Kathryn said, using her hands to flatten the front of her dress.

“Without a doubt,” Phoebe said.

“She’s right, Aunt Kathryn, I’ve never seen you look so pretty,” Naomi said sweetly.

“Thank you, both of you,” Kathryn said with a smile.

“Alright, that’s enough staring. We have to go,” she added, walking towards the front door.

It was only when Kathryn turned around that Phoebe noticed that the back of the dress was just as daring as the front. Perfectly showcased freckles which laid all across her alabaster skin. Naomi and Phoebe looked at each other with the same delightful smile.

‘Just wait until Chakotay sees her.’ Phoebe said to herself.

They giggled and followed Kathryn out the door.

___________________________________________________

Even from the outside, one could easily tell that this was the location of something rather extravagant. Upon entrance the three women found themselves standing on a large mezzanine overlooking a vast ballroom. The room was already full of people talking and laughing. Kathryn glanced around at the crowd taking in her surroundings, the smell of champagne, and perfume flooded her senses, she could hear people telling wild stories and bursting into fits of laughter. They walked forward to get a better view, and Phoebe walked down the marble staircase the instant she saw an old friend standing by the bar, she walked over to the woman , leaving her sister and Naomi behind. Naomi soon followed down the stairs, recognizing a few of Voyager's former crew. Kathryn waited, but soon enough her eyes caught his. There he was, the man who had occupied every romantic thought or fantasy for close to a decade, the man who had stood by her side and supported her for seven years in the Delta Quadrant, the man who had left her behind without a second thought for someone who was old enough to be his daughter. She let the negative thoughts float to the very back of her mind, focusing on how good it felt to see him.

He had been talking with Tom and B’Elanna when Naomi came over to greet everyone with a smile. Kathryn looked at the group with soft eyes and an aching heart, thrown full force into the memories on the holodeck, how young Naomi had been, and how close she had been to all her crew. It felt like a lifetime ago, so much had changed. Kathryn then saw Naomi whisper something indistinguishable to Chakotay and point towards the balcony where Kathryn stood. She physically blushed, caught staring directly at him, but it was easy to see how he lit up watching her as she descended the staircase.

There was something else in his stare, an arrogance or overconfidence that hadn’t been there the last time she had seen him. She chose not to read too much into it, but something in the back of her mind told her it was odd.

Making her way to them, she stood before Chakotay, her eyes large and unblinking. He moved in to kiss her on the cheek, she felt her blush grow hotter under the soft pressure of his lips.

“It’s nice to see you,” she said shakily. She looked up at him, then remembering that she came over to greet others, she quickly turned.

“It’s so nice to see all of you,” she said to the group. She caught Tom staring at her dress, his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide.She wasn’t the only one who noticed his shocked look. B’Elanna picked up on his awkward staring and elbowed him hard in the stomach, knocking the wind right out of him and sending him into a coughing fit.

“Nice to see you too captain, you look…incredi….very nice tonight,” Tom grunted.

B’Elanna smirked and shook her head.

“It’s Admiral now, helmboy,” she said to her husband.

“Actually, tonight it’s just Kathryn, and thank you for the compliment, Tom,” Kathryn said.

“How’s Miral?” she added, purposefully avoiding looking at Chakotay.

“She’s great. She’s growing up so fast, and I can tell that she misses her Aunt Kathryn,” B’Elanna said.

“I’ll have to stop over sometime soon and visit her.”

“Definitely,” Tom said.

Suddenly Kathryn felt a gentle tap on her shoulder and then a whisper in her ear.

“I was hoping we’d get the chance to talk…alone,” Chakotay said, his voice deep and seductive.

The close contact sent shivers down her spine, but before she could reply, her sister ran up to her and pulled her aside.

“Excuse us,” she said to Chakotay with a smile. He nodded, and the two women walked away.

“Kathryn, you’ll never believe who I just ran into at the bar,” Phoebe said.

“Who?”

“Mark,” Phoebe blurted.

“What is he doing here?” Kathryn asked in surprise.

“Apparently, he knows the guest of honor and got an invitation. But that’s not even the best part. He’s been bugging the heck out of me trying to find you. He is a man on a mission. Also…his wife isn’t here.”

“Why didn’t his wife come?” Kathryn asked.

“I asked, and he said that she wasn’t feeling well, but when I looked down at his hands, his wedding ring was off,” Phoebe whispered.

“So why does he want to talk to me?” Kathryn asked, absorbing all of the information.

“I don’t know, but Kathryn I’ve got a bad feeling about it. The last time I saw him act so jittery he proposed to you.”

“Alright, calm down, I’m sure it’s nothing. He probably just wants to say hello.”

“Or maybe he wants to say ‘Hello, I’m sorry I ever thought you were dead and moved on, let’s get back together’” Phoebe said, her voice raising in both pitch and octave and her eyes nearly buggiing out of her head.

She shot Phoebe a look, telling her to calm down. People had begun to notice her sister in hysterics and whispers were soon shot around the room.

“He’s had a few years to think about how you two left off. Maybe he has regrets about finding someone else,” Phoebe suggested.

“God, I hope that’s not what’s happening. I loved him, but with an emphasis on the past tense. We’ve changed too much, too many things have happened since we were last together.”

“Well, it seems that you might have to tell him that,” Phoebe said, over Kathryn’s shoulder. Phoebe pointed at Mark who wasacross the room, and hadn’t seen them yet.

Kathryn looked in that direction, but her eyes stumbled upon a full grin with dimples that made her knees almost buckle.

“Why don’t you go talk to Mark, clear some things up,” Phoebe said.

“Later. There’s someone else I have to see first,” Kathryn said half-mindedly.

As Kathryn walked away, Phoebe huffed “That’s just great Kathryn, leave me in the dust for some gorgeous god-like…Oh who am I kidding I’d do it too,” she mumbled to herself taking a glass of champagne off of a tray passing by.

Naomi walked over with a smile and they watched as Kathryn asked Chakotay to dance.

“They’re cute together,” Naomi said.

“I agree,” Phoebe said.

“Do you think it’ll work out?” Naomi asked.

“I hope so, but you and I should maybe keep look out for the ex.”.

“What ex?”

“Mark, Kathryn’s former fiancé.”

“He’s here too?” Naomi asked, her face turning white as a sheet.

“Yeah, and he’s been looking for Kathryn. He wants to talk to her about something important. I don’t think his wife would appreciate them having that conversation though.”

 Kathryn had neglected to mention Mark had gotten married. Now all three of them were in the same room, both men believing Kathryn was interested in them. There was no way things would be going well that evening.

“Phoebe…I think I need to tell you something,” Naomi said, frightened of what was to come next not only for her, having been the one to send the letters, but of the hearts of two people she cared about.

“What is it? Are you ok?” Phoebe asked, noticing the girl’s nervousness. 

“I did something really stupid,” Naomi confessed.

“Spit it out, kid.”

__________________________________

“What is it that you wanted to talk about?” Kathryn asked Chakotay, as they gently swayed to the soft beat of the music.

“I got your letter this morning. I wanted to ask you…Why now? Why not all those years ago?” he said. There was no anger in his voice, only curiosity and intrigue.

“Hold on…. What are you talking about? What letter?” Kathryn asked, her brow furrowing and her eyes searching his for any indication of what he meant.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about,” he said with a smirk.

She shook her head and ran through her mind their last conversation. She had no memory of sending him anything this morning.

“ _Dear Chakotay_ ,” he started, reciting from memory the words which had floated in his head for several hours.

“ _I’ve waited for these feelings to dim, for them to go away, but they only grow the longer we are on this ship. I try to tell you, not with words, never with words. A simple touch_ …”

She nearly fainted She felt as if all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room, her chest grew tight as the walls moved closer; surrounding, suffocating.

“Enough! Where the hell did you read that? How?” she said, mortified and angry at the invasion of privacy.

“You sent it to me,” he said innocently, his eyebrows shooting up.

“No, I didn’t. I’d never send you that letter…It was personal. How dare you!” she backed away from him, and tried to keep her voice down as not to draw too much attention to them.

“Kathryn. You sent it to me. I received the message on my personal account around nine thirty. It was addressed to me. What was I supposed to think?”

“I…I can’t do this,” she went to turn but was faced with Mark walking right in her direction smiling like a schoolboy.

“Damn,” she said turning back to Chakotay and resuming their dance. This party, one she had actually been looking forward to for a while, was turning into a disasterous nightmare.

“What?” he asked.

“Mark. If you got your letter, then he must have gotten his. That’s why he’s acting so strange,” she said under her breath.

“Wait, you’re telling me that I wasn’t the only one you wrote to?” Chakotay asked, the hurt evident in his tone.

“I’ll explain later, but right now I need to do something. Do you trust me?” She asked, placing her hands gently on his chest as she had done so many times before.

Chakotay frowned but didn’t pull away

“Of course I do, but—"

Before he could finish his sentence, Kathryn grabbed him by the collar and kissed him fiercely. She was hoping that it would get Mark to leave her alone. One eye had remained open to watch for Mark’s reaction. He saw her and almost immediately walked the other way.She knew it was ok to end the kiss right then, but that eye closed and a hand found it’s way into his hair. There she was, still kissing Chakotay in a room full of people she worked with and not giving one flying fuck about it. Another ten seconds went by, twenty, thirty, and they were still lost in one another. Nothing else mattered, only him. Tongues dueled, and hands began to roam. The two of them only pulled apart when they heard B’Elanna asking if anyone knew the Heimlich maneuver to help her husband. Tom had started choking on his food the second he saw his former commanding officers kissing. Harry slapped his back a few times and he was back to breathing, but most of the room had their eyeson the pair only.

Chakotay pulled back first and looked deep into Kathryn’s eyes.

She couldn't believe she had just done that. ' _How is kissing him going to make things better?'_ she scolded herself. Now her heart was racing and she was absolutely beyond embarrassed. Everyone went back to what they were doing, but she still felt everybody’s eyeson her.

“Kathryn…I…” Chakotay started.

“No, I should go. There are some people I need to speak with before I leave.”

“But you just got here, and I really think we should talk about this. You can’t just kiss a man senseless and pretend it never happened,” Chakotay said.

“I have to go,” she said as the tears began to fill her eyes. She gathered the bottom of her dress, making sure she didn’t trip, and she quickly hurried away.

 ________________________________________________________

She slipped outside the ballroom, not noticing that her sister and Naomi were following her.

Phoebe looked to Naomi and told her to stay in the ballroom while she went to talk to Kathryn.

“You ok?” Phoebe asked, gently placing a hand on her sister’s shoulder.

“No…I’m not,” Kathryn admitted through tears.

“What happened?”

“He…they somehow, they. I used to write letters to whoever I was dating or whoever I had intense feelings for. At first it was a way for me to interpret my own emotions, communicate them to myself. I would detail how I felt, why I felt it, how it effected me. I detailed my most personal and private feelings….and they read them. Somehow they managed to get a hold of them, I have no idea how it happened. Chakotay recited a part of it, and it threw me off,” she stood there with her shoulders slightly hunched and her arms tightly crossed.

“ThenMark was coming straight at me, and I freaked out, so I kissed Chakotay. I don’t know what to do.” Now her arms were no longer crosed but rather down at her sides, fists clenched. She blew out a deep breaht and raised one hand to her head, feeling the impending migraine.

“Andhow the hell did they get those letters?” Kathryn asked to no one in particular.

“Actually, I can answer that one,” Phoebe said, turning back to face Naomi, who had done as she was asked by remaining in the ballroom, but stood at the very edge of the door, close enough to hear everything.

Naomi looked at the two women with a guilty half smile and walked forward.

“Let me start off by saying… “I’m so sorry, Aunt Kathryn. I thought that I was helping you. I never meant to hurt you.”

“What did you do?” Kathryn asked, taking her command position with her hands on her hips.

Naomi looked to Phoebe for help, but Phoebe gave her a look back that said ‘ _You’re on your own with this one kid_.’

“I sent the letters,” Naomi blurted out.

“But…Phoebe showed them to me and told me that you never planned on sending them. I knew you would never tell Chakotay how you really felt, but I also thought that if he ever found out he would tell you he felt the same way. I really only wanted you to be happy,” She spoke so quickly, barely taking the time to breathe.

“Then I realized that if he didn’t feel the same way that maybe Mark would, only I didn’t know that Mark had gotten married. I never meant to hurt anyone, I just thought that if they knew how you felt for them, one would feel the same way and you could be happy,” she finally stopped.

Kathryn’s eyes filled with tears. She wanted to yell and cry and throw something, but she didn’t want to do any of that in front of Naomi. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm down, but it didn’t work.


	3. Chapter 3

“I can’t believe the two of you,” Kathryn shouted angrily.

“Hey, I didn’t send the letters!” Phoebe said, hands in the air showing her innocence.

“Yes, but you were the one who showed them to her. That makes you just as guilty,” Kathryn pointed out

“I’m sorry Kathryn,” Phoebe said timidly.

“Sorry doesn’t fix this,” Kathryn muttered.

There was a pause. No one knew quite what to say.

“You two go back to the party. I’m going home,” Kathryn said.

“Are you sure?” Phoebe asked.

“Yes. Just be sure to drop Naomi off at Samantha’s. I’ll give you the address,”

“Aunt Kathryn I’m…” Naomi started, her tears falling freely.

Kathryn was angry, but at the same time, she didn’t enjoy seeing Naomi so distraught.

“I know. And I understand that you were only trying to help. I think that I just need some time to process everything,” Kathryn said calmly.

“Go back inside and have some fun,” Kathryn said to both of them.

“Are you sure? Maybe we should go with you,” Phoebe suggested.

“No…I need to be alone right now. Please, just go back inside,”

* * *

 

Kathryn made it from the transporter station to her home in record time. The minute she was in the front door, she threw her shoes off and started unzipping her dress. Halfway unzipped, she walked over to the kitchen cabinet and took out a bottle of vodka.

She didn’t even get the chance to pour a glass before the doorbell rang.

Her mind jumped to two possibilities: she’ll open the door to see Chakotay, or she’ll open the door to see her sister. Honestly, she didn’t want to see either, but at least if it was Chakotay she might get to kiss him again. Just the thought of that caused her heart to race and her breathing to accelerate. She hadn’t been kissed like that in ages, it was amazing.

Now she was almost excited to open the door and see his dimpled grin again.

She had to mask her disappointment when she opened the door and he wasn’t there. Instead, another familiar face stood there smiling back; Mark Johnson.

“Mark, what are you doing here?” she asked.

“I tried to find you at the party, but your sister said you went home. May I come in?”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea. Maybe you should run it by your wife first,” she went to close the door, but he stopped it with his foot.

“Kathryn wait,” he pleaded.

“What do you have to say to me, Mark? I have a feeling I know what it is, and trust me when I say that I’m in no mood to hear it,” she said, her patience had run out a while ago.

“What about the letter?” he asked.

“You were never meant to read that. Besides, it was written years ago,” she brushed it off quickly.

“But those feelings, they don’t just go away. Reading that brought back so many memories, good ones,” he said.

“Memories from another time, another life. We’ve both changed. You have a wife and a son. You should go home,” she said, her anger rising. She was not the type of woman to indulge in feelings with a married man, especially feelings she hadn’t even thought about in years.

“Carla she’s amazing…but she’s not you. I miss you Kath, and that letter being sent to me now…makes me think you might just miss me too,” he said, his eyes twinkling with hope.

“Mark…” she started, but he interrupted.

“No, Kathryn I….”

She had to stop him, she had to shut him up before he said anymore.

“Mark, I’m seeing someone. It’s serious,” she lied through her teeth.

“The guy you kissed tonight? Your former first officer…that Maquis terrorist,” he said in shock and disgust.

“Don’t talk about him like that. You have no idea who he really is, he is not a terrorist, never was,” she said angrily.

“You and I are so much better together, I won’t leave until you see that I’m right,” he said forcefully.

‘Of course, now he gets the balls to start demanding things of me.’ She thought.

“Chakotay’s coming over soon. You’re welcome to stay, but I don’t think you’d enjoy watching,” she said sarcastically. His face twisted, and his hurt expression made her heart ache slightly, but she needed him gone.

“Kathryn, he’s not good enough for you. I haven’t given up on us, not yet,”

“You gave up on us the moment you said ‘I do’” she said bitterly.

“It was the biggest mistake I ever made,” he said tearfully.

“Mark…you need to go,”

“Fine, but I’ll see you in three weeks. I’ll be at the birthday celebration for Admiral Paris, and I’ll be sure to come alone. If by then you’ve broken up with this… Chakotay, then I think we should have another discussion,” he said, turning away from her, but suddenly he turned around.

“I never stopped loving you Kath,” he said sadly.

He quickly leaned down and placed a soft, chaste kiss upon her lips.

“Goodnight,” she whispered.

“Goodnight,” he replied.

The minute the door closed, she unzipped the dress and pulled it from her body. Standing in nothing but her underwear, she put the glass back in the cabinet and grabbed the entire bottle instead. Quickly, she walked to the bathroom and started a hot bath.

Once fully immersed in the hot water, and a good way into the vodka bottle, she began to think about those letters. Grabbing a padd off of the bathroom sink, she pulled them up. Reading the one about Justin brought up so many forgotten memories and buried emotions. By the time she was finished that one, her makeup was running down her face in a rather unattractive way.

Next was the one about Mark. She smiled at the words written. It discussed how appreciative she was of him for helping her find herself after Justin. In it she talked about how much she loved him, but never once did it say that she was in love with him. She smirked at some of the more daring sections, describing how he used to ‘bother her in all the right ways’.

Suddenly a thought popped into her head. ‘What did I write to Chakotay?’. Obviously, something she wrote gave him arrogant confidence about her feelings for him, but she wrote it so long ago.

She opened his letter. It started out sweet, but soon after it became blatantly filled with desire.

_‘So many times, I think about throwing protocol out an airlock and calling you to my quarters in the middle of the night. I think about kissing your perfect lips, trailing my kisses down your stomach and taking your….’_

She wanted to scream right then and there. She couldn’t believe he actually read this. He probably had a smug grin on his perfect face while he did. It made her furious.

She skipped to the next paragraph.

_‘I could stare at those lips all day. I think about them constantly. Particularly I like to think about where I want them. My lips, my neck, the valley between my breasts, my…’_

She quickly scrolled further down, finding a part that was less steamy.

_‘I wish I could write this all off as simple lust, a fantasy fueled by sexual desire, but I can’t. I know that I love you. I’m aware of how much I’m in love with you, it’s consuming. Truth be told, it frightens me how much I care. One of the reasons I use to rationalize staying friends is that I’m too afraid that if I open up and then lose you, it would break me. I realized tonight that regardless of our relationship status, losing you would still break me. It would probably do more damage losing you without ever telling you how I really feel.’_

She wondered his reaction to reading this part. Was he flattered? Did he even care?

Putting the padd down and picking up the vodka bottle, she decided she was done reading and ready to start drinking again.

* * *

 

The next morning, she woke up feeling like a truck had hit her full force directly in her head. She stumbled over to her replicator and ordered something to take away the pain as well as a mug of black coffee.

After getting dressed, she began to feel a little better. She checked her messages and made herself some breakfast. As she put the used dishes in the sink, the doorbell rang.

She was highly unamused, assuming it was her sister coming over to make amends, she opened the door. Her eyes nearly bugged out of her head when Chakotay stood before her.

“Morning Kathryn,” she loved the way he said her name.

“May I come in?” he asked as she continued to stare at him dumbfoundedly.

“Oh…sure. Would you like something to drink? Coffee? Tea?” she asked nervously.

They walked over and sat on the couch.

“No, I’m fine. Thank you,” he said.

“So, what can I do for you?” she asked.

“I wanted to have that discussion,” he said.

“If this is about the letter. I just want to say that it was written a long time ago and I never intended to send it…” she started.

“Naomi sent it, I know,” he said.

“You know?” she asked, confused.

“She talked to me last night, explained what happened and how sorry she was for causing so much trouble,” he said.

“I should give her a call, poor kid is probably beating herself up over it,”

“You’re not angry with her?” he asked.

“I was, but I’ve had time to cool down and I realize that what she did came from a place of love,” she replied.

“Speaking of love…So those feelings that you talked about in the letter…Do you still feel that way?” he asked hesitantly.

“Chakotay…that was so long ago…I...” she stuttered nervously.

“Don’t feel guilty if you don’t Kathryn, and you shouldn’t feel embarrassed either. I can tell you that there was a time where I wouldn’t hesitate to fulfill each one of your fantasies…reciprocate every feeling written down. But like you said…it was a long time ago,”

She didn’t say no, she thought about saying that she didn’t feel that way about him anymore. It was an easy out, but a part of her wanted to scream out that she never stopped loving him. Then he had to go talking about his feelings for her in the past tense. She felt like an idiot. Of course, his feelings faded, she waited so long, strung him along for seven years.

“I actually came to ask you a favor, well more like make a proposition. One which would be mutually beneficial,” he said.

“What would that be?”

“Well, you must know that things with Seven and I, didn’t go well. I miss her terribly, and last night she heard about our kiss. She was pretty angry, even called me to see if I was alone,”

Her stomach dropped at his mentioning of Seven.

“What do I have to do with it? Do you need me to talk to her and tell her…”

“No, no that’s not what I want you to do. I was actually hoping we could do it again, in public. My thought was that we pretend to see each other. We get caught by the paparazzi on a few dates and finish it off by attending Admiral Paris’ birthday ball together. Seven already RSVP’d. When everyone sees us go together, we’ll both get what we want. It will drive Seven crazy, hopefully sending her into my arms again and it would keep Mark off your back. It’s a win-win,” he said.

“I don’t know,” she said hesitantly. She was actually quite shocked that he would propose something like this.

“It would mean a lot to me,” he added.

“I’ll think about it,” she conceded.

“Thank you,” he said.

“How about this. I’ll be at this bar tomorrow night. If you decide that you want to do this, meet me there at eight pm sharp, if you don’t show up…then I have my answer,” he wrote the name of the bar on a notepad sitting on the coffee table in front of them.

“I hope to see you,” he said.

He kissed her cheek and left out the front door.

A silent tear ran down her cheek. That was not what she had hoped his proposal would be. She wanted all of him, she didn’t want to pretend. But then she thought again and made up her mind. She needed Mark to stop badgering her, and maybe if she did this it could be what finally got her over Chakotay. Maybe fake dating him would prove to be disastrous and her eyes would open to reveal he isn’t as perfect as she thought. ‘Probably not’ she thought.

* * *

 

  
“Whiskey please,” he ordered from the bartender.

It was five past eight. It looked as though he’d be drinking alone, but then he heard the distinctive voice which made the hairs on his neck stand straight up and his heart jumped.

“Make that two,” she said.

He turned around and nearly had the breath knocked out of him by the sight. Her slightly longer hair was loose and flowing, and her black cocktail dress hugged her body in all the right places. She was gorgeous.

“If this is going to work, there need to be some ground rules,” she said, taking a seat next to him. She looked as though she was negotiating a trade deal with the leader of a planet. He had seen this look and posture before. She was serious and played it cool, but underneath it all she was nervous and he could tell.

“Such as?” he asked curiously.

“Such as you plan the dates, we will go out only twice a week, you get one public kiss per date, no tongue,” she said.

“Oh, now where’s the fun in that?” he asked flirtatiously.

“And you keep your hands to yourself,” she said, choosing to ignore his last comment. Her blushing didn't go unnoticed though.

“You have my word,” he replied.

“I like roses, and dancing…we should go dancing,” she said absent-mindedly.

“Duly noted,”

She grabbed the drink off the bar and downed it in one gulp.

“I have to go,” she said.

“But you just got here,” he said, disappointed.

“And I have plans at eight-thirty. If you think I got this dressed up just to meet you here, you’re sorely mistaken. Besides, we haven’t officially started pretend-dating yet,”

“Oh, I see. You’re leaving me here to go on a date with another man,” he said, outwardly pretending to be hurt, but on the inside, it wasn’t quite fake.

“Don’t act like you know everything,” she leaned in close and whispered seductively in his ear, her hot breath causing him to shutter.

“For all, you know…it could be a woman,” she said with a raised brow.

She walked away with a satisfied smirk and left him with thoughts and images in his head which would fuel fantasies later that night.

Once she was outside the bar, she pulled a black sweater from her purse and put it on. After buttoning it up, she grabbed a hair tie and pulled her hair into a loose ponytail. She got her communications device out and hit a few buttons.

“Hey, mom? Yeah, it’s me, are you ready for dinner? Yes, eight-thirty. Alright, I’ll meet you there, bye. Love you too,” she laughed and shook her head.

* * *

 

  
When she got home later that evening, she was greeted by a beautiful bouquet of pink peace roses. She picked them up and read the note attached.

 _‘Dear Kathryn,_  
  
_I hope you’re free this Saturday, you and I are going dancing. Please wear something like that dress you wore tonight. I hope you had fun with whoever you were with, but maybe you should let him…or her, know that you’re now officially (fake) dating someone._  
  
_Love, Chakotay_

She chuckled sadly at the last two words ‘Love Chakotay’. She already did, but he no longer felt the same way. Her next immediate thought was:

‘What the hell did I get myself into?’


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year! I probably won't be posting until January first or second so I will wish everyone a great night and a safe night as well. This chapter is a bit shorter than the others, but oh well. Let me know what you think. Anyway, enjoy!!

She had gone through four outfits, two makeup looks, and six different hairstyles, but every time she looked at her reflection, she felt inadequate. Nothing was right, nothing was good enough. She thought for a moment about why she was stressing in the first place. This wasn’t even a real date. Some part of her felt that maybe if she played the part it would become real, as if her pretending would actually form a reality. She felt so stupid, enough so that she considered calling the whole thing off and hiding under her covers for the rest of the night. She actually walked to the console and was seconds away from calling him when her door chimed.

“Damn,” She muttered.

She ran to look in the mirror one last time. She had on a knee-length red dress which flared out towards the bottom. Her hair was half up and her makeup was hastily done but still very nice. Over all she looked lovely, but she didn't feel that way. 

She opened the door with a forced smile.

“I know I’m early, but I figured you might try and back out last minute, so I didn’t want to give you the chance,”

“You know me so well,” she said, shaking her head at the truth of her words. She never understood how he almost always knew what her next move would be.

“You look incredible,” he said, kissing her on the cheek.

“Thank you,” she said with a nervous smile.

She gestured for him to come in and they walked into the living room.

“Well, I’ve guaranteed that a few reporters will happen to be hanging around the club we’re going to,” he said.

“A club, huh?”

“Nothing too daring, this **is** a first date after all, but it’s somewhere I know we’ll be able to dance,”

“What kind of dancing?” she asked.

“A little bit of everything,” he said, with a smile that always made her a little faint.

“Sounds perfect,” she was worried for a moment that no words actually made it out of her mouth. Thankfully he hadn’t noticed the great effort it took for her to regain composure.

“Are you ready to go?” he asked.

She nodded.

“You might want to grab a jacket or something, it’s cold out,”

“I don’t need it,” she said.

“You sure?”

“Positive,” she said confidently.

“Alright, then let’s go,” he said, holding out his arm.

She smiled brightly and looped her arm through his and the pair walked out the door.

They decided to grab a quick bite to eat before arriving at the club, and he let her pick the place.

As they approached the location, he let out a small laugh. 

“You never cease to surprise me, Kathryn Janeway,” he said.

She laughed heartily.

“I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing,” she said.

“A good thing…definitely a good thing,”

They walked into a small corner café which looked almost dilapidated and worn, but supposedly that was on purpose. There wasn’t a single customer. She walked right up and greeted the cheerful man behind the counter with a hug. He asked if she wanted her usual and she replied with an “Of course!”.

The two of them took a seat by the window, a beautiful city view kept them company as they waited for their food.

“This place is quite hidden,” he said.

“I prefer to keep it that way. If word got around how amazing it is, it would be filled to the brim,”

“How'd you find it anyway?”

“I’m an explorer by nature Chakotay. I thought you knew that by now,” she said with a flirtatious smile.

“I was walking around here a few months ago when it started to downpour. I ran for the first place that would offer cover and a hot coffee,”

“You and your coffee,” he teased.

“The finest organic suspension ever devised,”

“Where have I heard that one before?” he asked sarcastically.

Before she had the chance to answer, their food arrived. It was two sandwiches, some small chocolate chip cookies, and coffee. They both took what was theirs and began eating.

After Chakotay took his first bite, he looked at Kathryn and almost wanted to laugh.

“This is really good,” he said with a slightly full mouth.

She laughed.

“I know. The best-kept secret in the city,” she said.

They both scarfed down their food and left a nice tip on the table before leaving. While they walked to the transporter station, a few passersby seemed to recognize them walking through the streets, but no one said anything. Chakotay noticed that she was nervously focusing her eyes on the ground in front of them.

He surprised her by taking her hand in his and weaving his fingers in between her own. His thumb rubbed tiny circles on her hand and it made her heart flutter. For a moment, she forgot that it was all pretend, but only for a moment. She knew it wouldn’t be the last time she made that mistake.

When they arrived at the club, she couldn’t contain her excitement at the lights and the music. Her child-like gaze amused Chakotay more than anything else he’d ever seen. It was the same look she’d get when they would encounter a phenomenon on Voyager, disbelief mixed with joy and a tiny twinkle in her eye.

As they walked in, an upbeat song greeted their ears and he instantly knew Kathryn would want to rush right out onto the dance floor. So that’s exactly what they did.

He awkwardly tried to keep up with the beat, but soon enough found his rhythm. She laughed as he spun her around and made her almost too dizzy to stand straight. By the time they caught their breath, the upbeat tempo was replaced with a beautiful slow song. He didn’t waste a moment taking her in his arms and swaying her gently around the floor.

“I love 20th-century music,” he whispered.

“Me too,” she agreed.

  
He smiled and breathed in the sweet scent of her hair, hoping that she wouldn’t notice. She never did, she was too busy savoring the feeling of his strong arms surrounding her. In the back of her mind, she noted that people were watching.

“I think we’ve been spotted,” she whispered.

“So let’s give them something worth talking about,” he said mischievously, moving his one hand a little further down while the other moved up to cup her face.

“Cashing in your one kiss now, are you?” she asked.

“About that rule,” he started.

“Don’t you think a single kiss per date is a little…underwhelming. I mean if we really want to sell this we should talk about increasing that number a bit,” he said with a smirk.

“Don’t push it,” she said.

He laughed and leaned in closer. Their last kiss had been so forceful and a little rough. This time he intended to kiss her right. He gently brushed his lips over hers and felt her shutter. Tentatively, he pressed his lips further. Rather quickly, Kathryn lost all patience and pulled him in for a searing kiss. They were both aware of the sound of holoimagers going off, capturing the moment. When he pulled back he chuckled.

“Maybe you’re right, one kiss per date. Any more than one and I might not be able to stop myself,”

“That good, huh?” she asked, a blush filling her cheeks.

“You could say that…yeah,”

They laughed and danced for another two hours before admitting they were beyond exhausted and calling it quits.

As they stepped outside into the cool, crisp night air, he noticed Kathryn shiver.

“I told you to bring a jacket,” he said.

“Oh please, I’m not even cold,” She lied.

He could see the goosebumps forming along her arms and her teeth nearly chattering.

Without another word, he removed his jacket and put it around her.

“Thank you,” she said gratefully.

“You’re welcome,”

He wrapped his arm around her shoulders as they walked to the transporter station. His closeness confused her seeing as there was no one around to witness. 

After she opened her front door, she turned and said goodnight. She almost forgot to give him back his jacket, and felt embarrassed when he had to ask for it back. She leaned up against the door as it was closing and slid to the ground.

Reviewing the events over in her mind, she came to the realization that it was the best first date she had in a long time. She couldn’t remember the last time she talked so freely and honestly with another person, the last time she laughed so hard that her stomach hurt, or the last time she loved someone so deeply who didn’t feel the same way. It made her feel an indescribable pain, one that words couldn't translate.

The worst part was that he had to have known the effect he had on her. In fact, she noticed that he relished in it. Teasing her and leading her to the point of thinking it was almost real, only to rip it away from her by the end of the night. She asked herself if he knew how much and how deeply he was hurting her, how he was breaking her heart. She quickly rid of the thought, knowing he would never intentionally cause her such pain.

Sitting with her knees drawn to her chest, she stopped the tears from falling. She refused to cry anymore, she wasn’t that kind of girl. Instead, she thought for a moment before making up her mind.

If this was going to be her life for the next three weeks, then she was going to have to play this game to her advantage. She wouldn’t be the only one who’d suffer. It was time for her to get a little even. And it was time for him to realize what he was missing.

She smirked and thought ‘Oh now this could be fun,’


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that I'm a day late with this, but I had some stuff to deal with. Anyway, this chapter is longer so hope you enjoy. Also I added a bit of Miral in this chapter. If things are misspelled in her dialogue, that's on purpose.

For the past three dates, Kathryn had been trying different tactics, ways to make Chakotay feel what she had been feeling these past few weeks. She increased the amount she would touch him; a lingering hand on the shoulder, hands running across his chest before a kiss, making their one kiss per date a little more daring. She noticed his reactions to these things, but they weren’t having their desired effects. He was smiling more, relaxing around her further, he seemed to encourage her behavior and enjoy that she was being more ‘realistic’ in her performance as his girlfriend. Tonight though, she would get what she wanted.

Tom and B’Elanna had invited the two of them over for dinner. Kathryn’s guilt had nearly consumed her when she realized her friends had heard about her new 'relationship'. In about one hour she’d be going to their house and making polite conversation about her romance with Chakotay, none of which would be true. It made her sick to her stomach, thinking about lying to the people who had served her for seven years, and were not only loyal members of her crew but true friends who actually cared about her wellbeing. She tried to get her and Chakotay out of the dinner, but he insisted that they go. He said that it would seem like something was off if they didn’t and they only needed to keep in up for a short while longer. He had to beg her, and in the end, it worked.

She decided to meet up with him at the transporter station around six. By the time they got there, B’Elanna was setting the table and Tom was cooking the food,  meanwhile, Miral sat in the living room playing with her toys. The only reply they got when knocking on the door was a:

“Come on in!” from B’Elanna.

As soon as Kathryn entered, Miral stood straight up and moved her cute little legs as fast as they would go, tripping a little as she ran.

“Aunt Katryn!” She shouted and raised her arms to be picked up.

At three years old, she was growing up rather quickly and impressed her aunt every time they saw each other, with new words and stories she learned from her parents.

“Hello my beautiful girl,” Kathryn said, picking up the toddler and kissing her cheek.

She carried her over to the couch and sat with Miral on her lap.

“I’ve missed you. Now tell me, what have you learned since I last saw you?” Kathryn asked.

Chakotay watched their interactions and it made him smile wholeheartedly. Kathryn was so good with children. Aside from Naomi, Seven never really understood children, Miral had always been afraid of her.

“I..I can count to five…I can…I can say all of my ABC’s and…I learn two new words in Klingon,” Miral said proudly. She stuttered as she spoke out of excitement. 

“That’s wonderful! How old are you now? Sixteen?” Kathryn joked.

“No,” Miral giggled.

“Oh, I know…Twenty three,” Kathryn said.

“No, Aunt Katryn. I’m tree and a half,” Miral said, holding up three fingers.

“Oh, three and a half. Well, I was close,” Kathryn said with a smile. Her eyes drifted towards Chakotay's and her smile became more serious.

Just as Miral stopped laughing, Tom walked in and greeted his guests.

“Hey sorry about that, I had to make sure nothing was burning,”

“Your replicator acting up?” Chakotay asked.

“Actually, I didn’t use it tonight, B’Elanna said I should try cooking the hard way every once in a while,” Tom said.

“Where is B’Elanna?” Kathryn asked.

“She just finished setting up, but she had to go upstairs and get changed,” he said.

“How about drinks?” Tom asked, taking Miral off Kathryn’s lap and putting her in the next room with toys and a movie.

* * *

 

As the four of them settled at the dinner table and began eating, the dreaded topic of conversation inevitably reared its ugly head.

“So, you two finally got together? It only took you a decade,” B’Elanna said teasingly.

“Yeah, well it was definitely worth the wait. I’ve never been happier,” Chakotay looked at Kathryn and for a moment she thought his sincerity was well…sincere.

“Neither have I,” she agreed.

“It’s nice to have another couple we can have over for dinner and go places with. I never felt I could do that when you were with…” B’Elanna stopped herself.

“When I was with Seven. No, I get it,” Chakotay said. 

“Seven’s great it’s just sometimes she’s a bit…severe. And Miral gets a little afraid when she comes over,” Tom said awkwardly.

B’Elanna cleared her throat and tried to change the subject.

“So, how did you two finally get together. I was promised the full story, and I’m cashing in, spill it,” she said.

There was a pause, but Kathryn quickly decided to speak up.

“I wrote him a letter, one that I never intended to send. It was all about how I felt for him, from the very beginning of our time on Voyager. One night, Naomi came over upset about some boy and we got to talking about my past. The next morning my sister showed Naomi the letter and Naomi decided to send it, without telling me. That night at the party, he confronted me about it and the rest is history,”

It wasn't a complete lie. She just left out a few parts and forgot to mention that their whole relationship was fake. 

“Wow. If only Naomi had sent that letter a few years ago, I’d be up to my neck in replicator rations,” Tom said, earning a laugh from the rest of the table.

After they had all finished eating and laughing, B’Elanna stood up and began clearing the dishes.

“Anyone want dessert?” she asked.

The two men replied with a simultaneous “Yes,”

“Just coffee for me, thank you,” Kathryn said.

“I’m full,” she added, placing her and on Chakotay’s knee.

‘Let’s see how well he keeps his cool,’ she thought.

He hadn’t moved an inch, his face remained neutral and calm. When B’Elanna handed him a slice of chocolate cake, he graciously accepted.

As soon as he lifted the fork to his mouth, he felt her hand inch higher up his leg. He nearly jumped and began coughing.

“Woah, slow down there old man. You're supposed to eat the cake not inhale it,” B’Elanna said.

He took a sip of water and forced a chuckle at her comment.

“Sorry I guess I better be careful,” he said.

“The cake is called death by chocolate, but that isn’t meant to be taken literally,” Tom said.

They all chuckled. Kathryn decided it was time to kick it up a notch.

“Chakotay, why don’t you tell them about your new assignment as a captain. It’s pretty exciting,” she said. 

“Yeah, what’s this I hear about you possibly getting commission of Voyager?” Tom asked.

“Well, the rumors are true, the ship should be ready in another six months. I’ll be taking her out on trade missions and small scale explorations. Nothing like the delta quadrant but still exciting,” he said.

“So have they put together a crew yet?” B’Elanna asked.

Chakotay was fully cognizant that Kathryn’s hand was still on his leg, now creeping further upward and inward, getting dangerously close and he wasn’t going to be able to conceal his reaction much longer.

“Hello? Earth to Chakotay!” B’Elanna said sarcastically.

“Sorry, I uh… no, as far as I know, the ship doesn’t have a crew yet,”

“Well if there are any positions available, B’Elanna and I would love a chance to get back out into space,” Tom said with a smile.

“I’ll make a recommendation,” Chakotay replied.

B’Elanna looked right at Kathryn.

“So, Admiral, how about you, anything exciting?” she asked.

“Nothing really. Right now, we’re trying to establish a trade deal with a planet a few lightyears from the edge of the Alpha Quadrant. They’ve only recently become technologically advanced and are looking to obtain federation knowledge and technology for goods and other materials,” she said.

“It’s basically a lot of paperwork for me, and it would be a lot less if either side could come to an agreement anytime soon,” she added.

Chakotay took another bite of cake and felt her hand get so close that he had no choice but to intervene. He reached a hand under the table and grabbed her's, pulling it back towards his knee. She had a hard time concealing the smirk that was spreading across her face, but thankfully no one noticed. It was more fun watching him squirm than she had anticipated.

By the time they were getting ready to leave, Miral had fallen asleep and her parents were looking rather tired themselves. Once outside, Chakotay spun Kathryn around to face him.

“That was an interesting evening,” he said with a smile.

“I had fun,” she said innocently.

“I could tell. You were getting a little touchy under the table,”

“Hmmm, you sure that was my hand?” she said.

“I’m pretty sure,” he replied.

“It could’ve been Tom’s, I mean he was sitting right across from you and he had this twinkle in his eye like he was…” before she could finish that sentence, he gently pulled her closer and kissed her passionately, causing her world to spin and her legs to wobble.

“What was that for?” she asked, still catching her breath.

“Tom and B’Elanna. They’re watching through the window,”

She shifted her eyes to the window in the living room and saw two figures quickly jump out of view.

“Besides, it was part of the rules. One kiss per date and this was a date,” he said.

She smiled gently and nodded.

Once she got home, she slammed the door closed and let a tear slip down her cheek.

‘How does he always manage to make me feel like this?’ she thought.

She couldn’t understand why he wasn’t even a little put off by tonight. After this, they would only have one date left and then they’d be attending the birthday celebration. It would be their last event together as a fake couple. Part of her was thankful that this torture was almost over, but another part never wanted it to end. That part didn’t care if any of it was real. The way he looked at her, the way he made her feel was something she wanted to hold on to.

She went to sleep that night, and the hopeless romantic in her sent dreams of a life with the man she truly loved, she woke up in the middle of the night and cried herself back to sleep. 'it's not real. It will never be real' she said to herself over and over again.

* * *

 

 The next night was it, their final date. She decided to meet him at the restaurant rather than at the transporter station, she wanted to go to the bar and get a drink first before he arrived.

As she sat down, she noticed a man looking her way every few seconds. Eventually, he slid over into the seat next to her. He was tall and handsome with light brown hair and blue eyes, he would’ve been someone to catch her eye if she wasn’t already waiting for someone.

“You look very familiar,” he said smoothly, his voice was deep and rough.

She smirked but chose not to look at him. She replied, her eyes straight ahead.

“Considering I’m the tabloids favorite subject at the moment, it isn’t surprising,”

“Ah yes. Admiral, right?”he asked.

She finally decided to look at him, his smile was gentle, a stark contrast from the rest of him.

“Yes, but I prefer Kathryn,”

“Well…Kathryn, you’re looking rather lovely tonight if I may say so,”

“Thank you, but…I’m waiting for someone,” she replied politely.

“Would that someone happen to be a former commander you know?” he asked.

“So, you do read the tabloids,” she replied.

“Maybe I’ve glanced once or twice,” he said with a smirk.

“Then you must know I’m in a relationship,”

“I do,”

“And yet here you are, seeming a bit flirtatious,”

“Flirtatious?” he asked.

“Yes, flirtatious. You know, coming over here with your nice eyes and perfect smile, chatting me up like an old friend even though we’ve only just met,”

“You’ve got me, Admiral. So..do I really have nice eyes?,”

“What is it that you really want?" she asked gently.

“Would it be too much to say dinner, with you?”

She thought for a moment. She realized that she was being ridiculous, giving up a chance to have dinner with someone based on a fake boyfriend. She didn’t owe Chakotay anything.

“Maybe,” she replied.

“Maybe? At least it’s better than no,”

“How about I get your name and then we can possibly discuss dinner,”

“George Dunn,”

“And what do you do, George Dunn?”

“For work or...”

“For work, what do you do for work,” she said with a chuckle.

“I’m a writer, I write holonovels,” he answered.

“Interesting,”

* * *

 

Chakotay was running a few minutes behind. He hoped Kathryn wouldn’t be too angry. As he walked into the restaurant, his eyes immediately darted around the room looking for her. His smile faded when he found her at the bar, talking to someone else. At first, he thought that it was an innocent conversation, but then the man moved his hand to cover her own. His blood began to boil, but he hadn’t reached his breaking point until the man leaned over to whisper in her ear and made her laugh. Without thinking, he walked right over to them.

“Kathryn? Care to introduce me to your friend?”

“Uhh, I didn’t know you were here,” she said nervously. She noticed how angry he was. Thinking for a moment she realized that it was probably an act, that he was pretending to be angry because that would be the normal response if they were actually in a relationship. Something about him, told her that he wasn't pretending, not in that moment.

“That’s obvious, but you never answered my question. Who the hell is this?” he asked.

“George. His name is George and we were just talking, there’s no need to be upset,”

“Sure...just talking,” Chakotay scoffed.

“Maybe I should go,” George said to Kathryn.

“Yeah, maybe you should,” Chakotay said furiously.

George walked away shaking his head.

“What is your problem?” Kathryn asked.

“I think we should go somewhere else,” he said walking away.

She followed him outside.

“Are you going to answer my question?” she asked impatiently. 

He huffed angrily.

“How do you think it’s going to look if the woman I’m supposed to be dating is seen out with someone else? He was all over you, and to the outside world you’re supposed to be seeing me,”

“He was not all over me, we were having a conversation,” she said, her tone meeting his anger.

“I think we should reschedule for another night,” he said.

“Sounds fine with me. I’ve lost my appetite,” she began to walk away.

“At least let me walk you home,” he said.

“Why? You don’t trust me to get there without having public sex with some handsome stranger along the way?” she asked bitterly.

“Kathryn, please. Can I just walk you home?” he said, ignoring her outburst.

“Fine,” she said.

The walk to the transporter station as well as the walk to her house were both completely silent.

As she opened the door, she tossed her coat on the couch and sighed.

“Are you going to see him…After our agreement ends?” he asked, more than a hint of sadness and jealousy in his voice.

She had finally done it, made him feel just a bit of the pain that she had endured, but it didn’t make her feel any better.

“Why are you doing this?” she asked, tears filling in her eyes.

“Doing what?” he asked.

She turned around and broke his heart. He could see the pain written on every feature of her face, he wanted to die at the thought that he caused that.

She asked herself why he was feeling this pain in the first place, why did he care at all?

“You act the part of a jealous boyfriend, but I get the feeling that it wasn’t so hard for you to pretend. Why? Why do you even care, when none if this is real?” she asked but received no reply.

“This whole Goddamn time, every date you’d say all the right things, get me to open up, make me laugh. When I’m with you I feel better than I’ve felt in a long time. But at the end of the night, I come home and I realize it was all pretend, that I’m alone… and that you’re in love with someone else. Worst of all, it had to be her; so young, blonde... and beautiful. Things that I will never be. But sometimes, just for a second, I think that maybe those things aren’t so important. That maybe you could feel for me what I have felt for you for ten years. And I hate myself for being so idiotic as to believe such a fantasy. So I can't do this anymore. This constant cycle of gaining and losing hope, it's killing me. I need it to stop,” her voice cracked under the pressure from her emotions.

Chakotay couldn’t believe what he was hearing. She didn’t think she was enough. She didn’t think that she was beautiful. And worst of all, she didn’t think he loved her. By then, she wasn’t the only one crying. He was never so angry at himself. He broke her heart.

“Kathryn, I…” he began, trying to find the right words.

“No…please just go,” She said, turning away from him.

“I love you,” he said.

“What?” she turned back around, disbelief in her look.

“I said, I love you. You’re not an idiot. If anyone here is an idiot, it’s me. I never meant to hurt you,”

“You don’t have to say that. Please don’t say it if you don’t mean it,” she said, casting her eyes down to the ground.

He walked over to her and gently took her chin in his hand. Looking deep in her blue-grey eyes, he spoke his next sentence with as much sincerity as he could convey.

“I’m not saying this because I feel bad or because I feel as if I have to. Kathryn Janeway, I have loved you for a very long time. I think you are beautiful, smart, funny, and incredibly sexy. These past few weeks have only solidified those thoughts,” he said.

She wiped the tears from her face.

“So, what do we do now? Where do we go from here?” she asked.

  
“That is entirely up to you, but I would like to take you on a real date. Tomorrow night, we can have dinner at my place, I’ll cook,” he said.

“Ok,” she said with a smile, not believing that this was the reality.

“And we can do this, ‘dating thing’, at whatever pace you’re comfortable with. If you feel that we need to take this slow, I completely respect…”

She held a hand up to stop him.

“We’ve been dancing around this for too long. We’re going to have sex, and it will be tomorrow night. If I didn’t feel so gross and puffy right now, I’d be pushing you towards my bedroom this minute,” she said seriously.

“Sounds good to me,” he said, laughing.

Kathryn took a big breath.

“Look at us, we’re a mess,” she said, running her fingers across the streaks from his own tears. 

“You still look beautiful,”

“Shut up,” she shook her head.

He couldn’t believe that she had such a hard time believing it.

“I’m serious,” he said.

“How about I replicate us some food and we sit and talk some more,” she suggested, still ignoring his compliment. 

“Sounds great,”

He gently brushed his hand along her cheek and brought her lips to his. Their kiss was raw and deep, more revealing than any of their other kisses, and it no longer had restrictions, no longer had rules to hold it back.

“I love you,” he said.

“I love you too,” she replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is NOT the last chapter. Maybe it feels like an ending, but it is not. You have to see their first real date...duh. I still have two or three more chapters to post. Let me know what you thought about this chapter please, please, please. Alright I annoy myself so I'll stop typing now. Bye!


	6. Chapter 6

She woke up with butterflies in her stomach. All day she had trouble eating, concentrating, thinking. She thanked whoever was listening that today hadn’t been a work day, she knew nothing would have been accomplished. The only thoughts circulating her mind were those about what would happen later that night. Her first real date with Chakotay. She honestly had a hard time believing that it was true, that his feelings had developed or reemerged; that something real had blossomed out of something fake. But last night he told her that he loved her, and she couldn’t do anything but admit she loved him back.

She was honestly relieved that she no longer had to lie to her friends and colleagues about her personal life. She had felt rotten whenever someone congratulated her on her relationship or when Tom and B’Elanna said that they should make dinner together a monthly thing. She couldn’t tell those who congratulated her ‘Thank you oh so much but you see it’s all a charade,’  
Nor could she say to Tom and B’Elanna ‘That sounds lovely, but unfortunately my agreement with Chakotay only lasts for one more date’.

Now it wouldn't be a lie. Now, she could be with the man she loved, in _every_ sense of the word. The prospect of sex was enticing, it wasn’t like she hadn’t thought about it before. For years on Voyager, fantasies were all she had; all she felt she could have. Her nerves grew worse now that she realized it wouldn’t be in her head anymore.

When it was finally time to start getting ready, she was nearly in a panic. 

She went through her entire closet twice, but nothing was right. Finally, she released a breath and picked a knee-length black dress. It was something she felt good in, and it wasn’t uncomfortable. She loosely pinned her hair up and put on a thin layer of makeup. In her mind she always imagined him letting her hair down in a gentle, loving moment, now maybe that aspect of her fantasy could come true.

Chakotay said to be at his place by seven-thirty. It was a little past seven when she decided to leave. She didn’t want to be late, and she thought that she’d give herself time to breathe and calm down, take a walk before the date.

As she walked out the door, she neglected to notice that someone was attempting to call her.

* * *

 

  
Chakotay was hoping that she’d pick up. When she didn’t, he grew guilty and prayed that she hadn’t left yet. He decided to send her a written message.

  
As Kathryn approached his house, she could see that only one dim light remained on. She remembered him telling her to go through his backyard, and that they could have dinner on the patio. As she followed the small stoned path, she noticed a single red rose. It laid on the ground outside the door and had a small note attached.

It read _“For the woman to whom my heart belongs, I couldn’t find a flower as beautiful as you, but hopefully this will suffice,”_

She smiled and walked inside. It was oddly quiet and rather dark.

“Hello?” she called out.

“Anyone here?” no response.

After waiting around for a while, she decided to use his console to check her messages. She thought that maybe he had tried to contact her. She was right. Her eyes glanced over the message.

 _Dear Kathryn,_  
_I am so sorry to cancel last minute, but something important came up. I had everything all set up too, but I promise that we will do something this week. I hope you’re not too disappointed. I’ll talk to you tomorrow._  
_Love, Chakotay_

  
She was disappointed but knew deep down that he wouldn’t have canceled this for anything menial or insignificant. After shutting everything down, she walked out the way she came in. About halfway down the path, she noticed a light turn on. She walked closer, back towards the patio and smiled when she saw him walk in the front door. She thought for a moment that maybe the night could still go on, just a bit later than initially planned. Her smile and that thought rapidly vanished as she saw another person walk through the door. Her heart dropped into her stomach when she realized who it was.

* * *

“I appreciate your assistance tonight, I wasn’t sure who else to call,” she said.

“Of course, Annika, I’m still your friend. I’m so sorry that this happened, but I’m glad you called, This must be hard for you, she…” he was about to continue, but was interrupted.

“If we could…avoid the subject. I find it rather unpleasant and…painful,” she said.

“Of course. Would you like something to drink?” he asked.

Seven glanced around the room, noticing the set table and the unlit candles.

“I’ve interrupted your plans,” she stated.

“Yes, but it’s fine. I’ll be able to reschedule,”

“It was a date?” she asked.

“Uh, yes It was,” he said, aware of the awkwardness of the situation.

She paused for a moment, taking into account that these were things he used to do for her, the candles and flowers, and home-cooked meals. She missed it, she missed having someone to rely on like this, someone to come home to and go out with.

“Chakotay?” she asked, walking toward him.

“Yes?”

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past month. I’ve come to the conclusion that I may have made a mistake…when I suggested we end our relationship,”

She got closer and looked up at him, her eyes large and piercing into his own.

“Annika, I really don’t think we should be having this conversation right now. Your feelings might be a little mixed up, and your heads not in the right place. Why don’t I make you some tea or something to eat and then you can get some rest. We’ll talk in the morning when…”

Before he could finish, and before he could even react, she had put her arms around him and kissed him. It was so familiar, and it was nice, but it wasn’t who he wanted to be kissing at that moment.

He pulled away, his eyes looking nervously around the room.

“Annika.. we can’t,” he noticed that her gaze was pointed outside, her expression changing from satisfaction to subtle shock.

“What is…” he stopped himself.

She was looking outside because someone had been watching them. It took him a moment to see in the darkness who that person was. When his eyes began to recognize her, he nearly fainted. Her hand flattened out, releasing the red rose he had left for her and letting it drop to the ground. Before he regained the ability to even breath, she began to run.

“Dammit,” he muttered.

He ran outside and went after her as fast as he could. By the time he caught up, she was down the street.

“Kathryn wait, that wasn’t what it looked like,”

“Don’t bother,” she said angrily.

He grabbed onto her arm and spun her around.

“Please, Kathryn. You have to believe me,” he looked in her eyes, now flooded with tears, and pleaded with her. She yanked her arm back and looked at him sadly.

“I can’t believe I was so stupid,” her voice broke.

“Kathryn..”

“’Something important came up’  … more like ‘someone better came along’” she said, mocking his message from earlier.

“Kathryn, you don’t honestly believe…”

“No, I’m done. I want you out of my life, and I never want to see or hear from you again,”

“Please, don’t do this,”

“Why? ...Why does it matter anyway, you got what you wanted. Your brilliant plan worked. You got to play the part with me, toy with my feelings, and make her jealous. Why string me along anymore? Go home...I’m sure she’s waiting for you,” and with that, she wiped her tears and was on her way, leaving him standing in the street, shell-shocked and heartbroken.

* * *

He walked in and slammed the door behind him.

Seven had been waiting for him on the couch and stood when he came back inside.

“I should apologize. I didn’t know she was there until it was too late. You were right, I wasn’t thinking straight. I’m still learning about…emotions and how to interpret them. I’ve gotten better, but sometimes it gets confusing beyond my level of comprehension,” she admitted.

“It wasn’t right for me to throw myself at you, especially when I was the one who wanted to leave the relationship. It was unfair of me and a moment of irrational judgment,”

He was silent, trying desperately to get a hold on his anger at the situation, he didn’t want to blow up or yell at her, but he was angry.

“I was unaware that you were romantically involved with the admiral. You two are well suited for one another,” she said.

“I don’t think she sees it that way anymore,” he replied.

“Perhaps I could talk to her, maybe she’d understand the situation…”

“No, you’ve done enough. If you don’t need anything to eat or drink, I suggest we get some rest. It’s been a long day. You can take the bedroom and I’ll take the couch,”

She simply nodded and walked towards his bedroom, closing the door behind her.

He crashed down on the couch, feeling the tears slip down his cheeks and replaying that conversation over and over again in his head. He knew he wouldn’t be getting much sleep tonight.

* * *

 

She slammed the door closed and quickly got undressed and into her pajamas. It was still early in the night, so she grabbed a snack and sat down with a book. Every time she started reading the first sentence, she thought about him and she wanted to cry. In a moment of anger, she threw the book across the room. It felt good. She wanted to feel that again, so she picked up a pillow and threw it in the same direction. It wasn’t good enough. She looked down at the coffee table, the glass bowl that rested there. It was a gift, but she couldn’t remember who from. She picked it up but hesitated.

‘It’s too much, I should put it down and walk away’ she thought.

She went to put it down, it hovered above the surface of the table for a few seconds before the images flashed in her mind. Seven’s arms around him, her lips kissing him while she watched from outside. Without a second thought, she hurled the glass bowl at the wall and watched it shatter. She let out a sad chuckle and sat back down, her head placed in her hands. Almost immediately she heard a frantic knocking at her front door.

“Go away! I’m not home,” she yelled.

“Kathryn? It’s B’Elanna are you ok? I heard something break,”

She huffed and walked over to the door to open it.

“Sorry, yeah I’m fine,”

B’Elanna noticed Kathrynn’s red, puffy eyes. She knew that she’d been crying.

“You forgot your sweater at our house the other night, I thought I’d drop it off while I was out. Are you sure you’re alright?” she asked.

“I’m fine. Thanks for dropping it off. Goodnight,” she took the sweater and went to close the door, but B’Elanna stuck her foot in before she got the chance.

“You say that a lot. ‘I’m fine’. When we were on Voyager, especially during the first few years I knew you weren’t fine, but I never asked or pushed you to tell me what was wrong. But you’re no longer my captain, you’re my friend. So, I feel that I have the right to say this...you’re full of shit,” she said, crossing her arms.

“B’Elanna…”

“No, Kathryn. I’m not going to leave until you tell me why you were crying. And why the bowl Tom and I bought you is currently shattered on the floor,”

“I’m so sorry I didn’t know you bought that for me,”

“It was hideous anyway. I should never let Tom pick gifts. So, are you going to tell me what's wrong?" 

“Really B’Elanna I’m…”

“Fine…but you’re not. So, I’ll just stand here, waiting. I guess you can explain to Tom and Miral why I’m never coming home. Maybe they can come to visit me out here on your front porch, where I’ll likely freeze or starve to death and my body will…”

“You’ve made your point, get in,” Kathryn said, admitting defeat.

B’Elanna walked past her with a satisfied smile and sat on the ground in front of the couch.

“So, tell me what’s going on,”

“First thing first,” Kathryn pulled out a bottle of wine and got two glasses.

* * *

 

“So you two were faking the whole time?” B'elanna asked in shock.

“Mmmhhmm”

“Even that night you were over for dinner? When you two were getting handsy under the table?”

Kathryn nearly spat out her wine.

“You both knew about that?” she asked, mortified.

“Not Tom, just me. I’m the smart one, he’s the pretty one, remember?”

Kathryn laughed but jumped back to the point.

“Yes, we were faking it. Well, not the…under the table stuff, that was me trying to bother him, make him sweat,”

“Well, it worked. But you still haven’t told me why you were crying,”

“Last night he told me he loved me, and that he wanted to try and date for real,”

“That’s great,”

“Tonight was supposed to be our first real date. When I got to his house, no one was there. I checked my messages and he said that something important had come up and that he had to reschedule,”

“I still don’t see the problem,” B'Elanna said. 

“As I was leaving he came home…with Seven,”

“OK… maybe he was helping her or maybe she needed a place to stay. It could’ve been innocent,”

“I saw them kiss,” Kathryn said, her voice growing quiet.

“That no good, worthless Peta’Q. I swear I'll make him pay,”

“No, I…I just want to forget about it and move on,”

“Why would he do that? It doesn’t make any sense,”

“This whole plan was conceived because he wanted Seven back. Now he finally got what he wanted. Maybe I was just a consolation prize. Maybe he lost hope of getting her back, so he figured that I’d keep him company until someone better came along,”

“That’s not true. Fake or not, I have never seen Chakotay as happy as is when he’s with you. Not even when he was with Seven,” B'Elanna said. 

“I think I’m done talking about him,” Kathryn said, downing what little wine was left in her glass.

“And I think that you and I should get drunk off our asses and stuff our faces with food we shouldn’t eat,” B'Elanna suggested. 

Kathryn smiled genuinely and practically sprinted towards the kitchen.

* * *

  
After they had talked, laughed, and gone through two bottles of wine, a pint of coffee ice cream, and brownies, B’Elanna was passed out on the couch and Kathryn was nearly asleep as well.

“B’Elanna?” she whispered, but the only reply she received was a loud snore.

Kathryn stood up and lazily began cleaning up the mess they had made. She stood in the kitchen and stared out the window. It was a beautiful night, nights like these, when you could see the sky so vividly, she remembered the reason she loved space. Being among the stars, rather than staring at them from afar, there was something magical about it, a transcendence of her own being. Space gave her purpose, honor, and the chance to explore the universe’s untold secrets. When she was out there, she worked for seven long years to get back to earth, but now, standing there, she felt more lost than her darkest day in the delta quadrant.

She shook her head. She couldn’t believe how ridiculous she felt. She was safe, healthy, and had a wonderful career. She had incredible friends, one of whom was passed out drunk on her couch. She had a loving mother and sister. But what she longed for most was someone to share her world with, someone who loved every part of her and who made her feel wanted. Every time she thought she found it, somehow it was ripped away; by death, by distance, by directive. Now by someone who she considered a friend, a protégé of sorts. She helped to shape and rehabilitate her humanity, and in return, she used that humanity to begin a relationship with the one person Kathryn loved. It wasn’t Seven’s fault. She supposed that at first, it wasn’t Chakotay’s fault either. She had never told him to wait, she never expressed her true feelings. But tonight, there was a fault, there was anger. She hadn’t realized she was crying, and she scoffed. She couldn’t remember crying this much in years.

She nearly jumped two feet in the air when B’Elanna placed a hand on her shoulder.

Without a word, without a question, B’Elanna took her in her arms and hugged her.

“Thank you,” she said.

“you… you...you are so welcome,” B'elanna said, her speech slightly slurred. B'elanna had done most of the drinking while Kathryn had done most of the talking. 

“And you are so drunk,” Kathryn said, laughing.

“I take offes…offense to that I’m perfectly sober,” she said, standing straight up.

“Alright, let’s go, it’s bedtime,” Kathryn said, ushering her back to the living room. 

“Hey, I don’t have a bedtime I am an adult,” she argued.

“I know you’re an adult, but I’m highly suggesting that you sleep this off, come on I’ll help you to the couch,”

“Thank you…you’re such a good friend, pretty too,”

“Thank you B’Elanna,”

 

“Don’t tell Tom I got a little drunk tonight ok? He's being all weird about what I drink and what I eat because we're trying for another baby,"

"Oh noooo...I wasn't supposed to tell anyone...don't tell him that either,"

“I won’t, now go to bed,”

“Okay,”

“Goodnight,”

“Night,”

* * *

 

The next morning, B’Elanna woke up only minutes before the sun had risen. She replicated something to take the edge off her hangover and decided to run out and do something before Kathryn woke up.

Once she arrived at her destination, she walked up to the door and banged on it harshly.

Chakotay opened the door looking groggy and tired, which wasn’t a surprise, considering he had just woken up. He was only wearing sweatpants and his hair was messy and sticking up in some places.

“B’Elanna, what are you...”

“I came here to ask what the hell you’re thinking. I was with Kathryn all night, she told me everything. I listened to her cry herself to sleep. How could you? She loves you and you hurt her,”

“B’Elanna, I have to talk to her. You don’t…she misread the whole situation, but she won't answer my messages. She told me she never wanted to see or hear from me ever again,”

“Then explain it to me,”

He sighed. 

“Annika’s Aunt died last night. She called me from the hospital and said she didn’t want to be alone and I told her she was welcome to spend the night here. That kiss was a misunderstanding. Nothing else happened I swear. I slept on the couch and…I know she won’t believe me, but I had no intentions of getting back together with Seven,I never did,”

“I’m confused, wasn’t the whole fake dating thing all you trying to make Seven jealous enough that she’d want you back?”

“Why don’t you come in and we can talk about this,”

“Fine but this conversation better include breakfast,”

 

TBC

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter, let me know your thoughts!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thank you to Missams for beta reading the last chapter and epilogue. And to xLavenderseas for also reading over it and encouraging me to just post it already.

Chakotay placed the plate of eggs and toast in front of B’Elanna’s hungry eyes.

She grabbed a piece of toast and took a large bite.

“You’re never this hungry unless you’re hungover or pregnant, so which is it?”

“Hungover, but this isn’t about me. I want the full explanation on why you thought it was a great idea to lie to Kathryn,”

He paused. 

“For almost seven years I waited. Sure, there were a few flings along the way, but none of them really meant anything. I knew that I loved her and that no one else could really take her place. I tried to wait until we got home, but I’m not sure what really drove me to accept Seven’s offer. Maybe it was the loneliness, the flattery that came with someone like her being interested in me. When we got home, I decided that if Kathryn wanted me then she’d tell me. My relationship with Seven was still so new and I would have ended it if she even hinted that she wanted me. After a while, I figured that she didn’t really feel that way about me anymore,”

Chakotay moved around the kitchen and got B’Elanna a cup of coffee. 

“Thank you,” she said.

He nodded.

“Seven wanted out of the relationship after almost three years together. She realized that she wasn’t ready to settle down, get married and have kids, but knew that if she stayed in the relationship, that’s where we were headed. I agreed, and I understood. It was the only real relationship she had ever been in. She needed the freedom to explore her humanity and experience new things, but I’ve already done that. I was looking for permanence, a home, a family. In the end, I wasn’t sad or shocked, and I realized that maybe it was because my feelings for someone else were still there; dimmed and nearly forgotten, but there. Then I received the letter telling me that everything I felt over the past near-decade hadn’t gone unreciprocated. The letter reignited my feelings and validated them. I started to understand Kathryn a little more, her true feelings and thoughts, her motivations for not telling me,”

“So why didn’t you just confront her like an adult and talk things out? Why did you have to make it so complicated?”

“That’s what I tried, at first. Then something with her ex-fiancée happened and the next thing I knew she was kissing me and running away. Later that night, I was approached by Phoebe and Naomi. They explained what the letter was and how it got to me in the first place. I learned that Kathryn never wanted those letters to get out. She never would have told me how she really felt. I needed to figure out how to get her to loosen up and not be embarrassed around me, I wanted to get back into her life and I thought she wouldn’t let me in unless…”

“Unless you tricked her,” B’Elanna cut in.

“Unless I got creative," he corrected.

"So, I made up this plan, and it worked, well...it was working. We went on dates and we talked for hours, and laughed. I’d kiss her at the end of every date to remind her that this wasn’t going to be a repeat of our relationship on Voyager. I didn’t know I was hurting her, I wouldn’t have continued if I had. That night we were supposed to have our first date, I was going to tell her everything and hope that she’d forgive me for lying and see my intentions. Then Seven called with the news and I felt that I owed it to her to help her out. Now everything is a damn mess and I’m not sure how to even fix it,”

“Wow…you’re an even bigger idiot than I thought,” she said.

“That’s not helpful,” 

“Well, I’m sorry for stating the obvious. Chakotay, you messed up, big time. I’m not sure if I can help you out of this,” B’Elanna said.

“I might have an idea,” said a voice growing closer. 

The two turned to see Seven standing behind them with a hint of a smile.

“Annika, really you don’t have to…” Chakotay started.

“No. Part of this was my fault and I could never repay you, nor Kathryn for that matter, for all you’ve done for me. I’m hoping that this will make two people who are rather important to me, happy again. Now, are you going to protest some more, or would you like to hear my idea,”

“By all means, fire away. He’s desperate,” B’Elanna said.

Chakotay tried to be shocked by her statement, but rather quickly, he agreed.

“What she said,”

* * *

Kathryn woke up slowly. Her mind was filled with scattered thoughts about the previous night. Looking around for B’Elanna, she noticed a message on her console saying that she went home early that morning because Miral had a fever. She wrote back that it was fine and told her to let her know how Miral was feeling in a few hours.

It was a Sunday and she had no plans, so she decided to pay her mother a visit. After getting dressed and ready she opened the door to leave but was surprised to see someone on the other side, getting ready to knock.

“Sorry, I didn’t realize you were about to leave. If this is a bad time I could come back,”

“It’s not a bad time, Seven, what can I do for you?” she replied curtly.

“I was hoping to clear up confusion about last night, I…”

“Did Chakotay send you here?” Kathryn asked, her anger poorly concealed and her patience wearing thin.

“No, I came of my own volition. I wanted to tell you that my aunt passed away,”

“I’m very sorry for your loss,” Kathryn said, her tone softening.

“Thank you, but that’s why I was with Chakotay. I wasn’t sure who else to call, and I did not want to be alone. Grief…is a complicated emotion, one with which I am not overly familiar. I made a poor judgment decision when I kissed Chakotay. Perhaps I was trying to seek comfort, or it is possible that I was a little...jealous, seeing all the candles and the great lengths he went to in order to impress you. In conclusion, I was unaware that the two of you had begun a romantic relationship. I genuinely hope I haven’t ruined things between the two of you,”

“It wasn’t you who ruined things. Thank you for telling me, Seven,” she said. 

“Actually, it’s Annika now,”

“My apologies…Annika,”

“Kathryn, while I’m here, I wanted to apologize for something else. These past few years have been…difficult without your friendship and guidance. Had I known I would lose that upon starting a relationship with Chakotay, I might have given it a second thought. I was unaware your feelings for him ran so deep, and I'm sorry for getting in the way of your happiness, however unintentional it was,”

“I should apologize too. It wasn’t fair of me to pull away from you. You didn’t do anything wrong, but…it was hard for me, seeing the two of you together was like a knife in my gut every time,”

“Perhaps we could work on rebuilding our friendship,” Annika suggested. 

“I’d like that,” 

“I should go. It was…enlightening, having this conversation with you,”

“Goodbye, Annika,”

“Goodbye, Kathryn,” 

She could see how much the young woman had grown, how far she'd come since she first stepped foot on Voyager. Her humanity, while still not fully developed, was much more evident in her conversation, her expression, even the way she carried herself. Kathryn barely recognized her. She was looking forward to getting to know this version of someone she used to call a friend.

* * *

 

“Mom? You here?” Kathryn called.

“Upstairs dear!” She heard the faint voice call.

She huffed and followed the voice to her old room from when she was younger, practically still untouched. 

“Mom, what are you doing in here?” she asked.

“Just…looking,”

Kathryn noticed a few things out of place and some boxes containing said things. 

“And these boxes…are they just looking too?”

“Kathryn…”

“Mom, it’s ok. You don’t have to hold on to all my junk. If you want to get rid of it, I promise I won’t hold it against you,”

“Kathryn, I’m moving,” Gretchen blurted out.

“Moving? You can’t move, you’ve lived here since before I was even born,”

“And what am I doing with all this space, all the upkeep, and the stairs. I love this house, but I can’t live here anymore,”

“Mom, this house has been in the family for so long. Who’s going to live here now?”

“I offered it to Phoebe, but she didn’t want to move. Her husband likes where they are and the kids love their neighborhood, I’m not going to force them to take it,”

“Then…I’ll take it,”

“Kathryn, you don’t have to take it. You like where you live, and…”

“And nothing. I’ll take it, mom,”

"No, Kathryn it's too much. I can't allow it,"

"Mom, I love this house, I always have. Please, let me have it," 

“Fine then…you can take it,” Gretchen said with a smirk.

It only took a moment for the realization to hit her, but once it did she couldn’t believe it.

“You did that on purpose! You knew I’d take it if you told me I shouldn’t,”

“A mother, much like a magician, never reveals her secrets,” 

Kathryn shook her head and ran her hand against the bookshelf her father built her when she was eight, her smile fading as memories flooded her senses. Seeing his smile when she'd won his approval, hearing his laugh when Phoebe told a joke, the scent of his cologne that she'd smell when they hugged. She remembered the day he'd built her this shelf. She was so excited to have somewhere to keep her books, and she was over the moon that he took so much time to make it for her. 

Suddenly she was brought back to another memory, less distant in the past, but it still felt like a lifetime ago. New Earth. When Chakotay made her the bathtub, the headboards. He was so attentive, so caring and thoughtful. Her distant, gloomy stare was not lost on her mother.

“Now, what’s wrong. Am I off base to guess it has to do with a boy?”

“How did you?…” 

“Ok that one I got from Phoebe. She called an hour ago,” Gretchen said. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.

“Not right now,” Kathryn replied. 

“Well, when you do, I’m here to listen. I’m not sure if you recall, but I happen to give excellent advice as well,”

“I know, I haven’t forgotten. I still remember when you were there for my first heartbreak, you got me ice cream and you waited patiently until I calmed down enough to talk about it,”

“And I’m still patient. So, whenever you’re ready, I’m here,”

“Thank you,”

“You’re welcome. Now, I’m going to go get us some coffee, and we can talk about when you can move in,”

Kathryn looked around, her room was always her safe haven as a child. The light blue walls, the stars on the ceiling, her old books, ones which inspired her inner adventurer. She remembered staring out the window which overlooked her backyard. She’d watch her mother garden, her sister play with the neighbors, her dog run around, or her father sip on a drink and look over the changing colors of the sky as the sun set. She missed it. 

“Kathryn, someone’s on the comm for you!” her mother yelled up the stairs.

Kathryn walked down and went over to the comm, her mother still smiling at whoever was calling.

“Here she is, I’ll let you two talk,” Gretchen said, walking back towards the kitchen. 

“Admiral Paris?” Kathryn asked.

“Please, Kathryn, this isn’t a business call, it’s Owen,”

“Alright, Owen what can I do for you?”

“Well, my son and daughter-in-law are now officially part of Voyager's new crew. They’re heading over to take a look at the ship’s upgrades tonight. I’ll be there too, and I was wondering if the ships former captain would care to join us. We’ll take a quick tour and go out to dinner afterward,”

“I’m not sure,” she said reluctantly.

“It would just be us, Tom told me to mention that the ships new captain, would not be in attendance,”

“What time?” she replied eagerly.

“Six, I’m glad you’re coming. I’ll see you tonight,”

“Goodbye,” she said, ending the call.

Kathryn took a deep breath and turned to her mother, who stood there with a smug look on her face and a hot mug of coffee in her hand. 

“So…this is about Chakotay. Ready to talk about it?” her mother asked.

“I’m going to need some coffee first,”

* * *

Later that day, after talking for a few hours with her mother about everything, she was getting ready to see Voyager after three years. It was strange, thinking about the fact that someone else would be her captain, someone else would take her out on missions, meanwhile, Kathryn would sit behind a desk. Admiralty was an honor, and still had some excitement, but it couldn’t hold a candle to being in the middle of the action. At the end of the day she felt that it was a glorified desk job. 

She caught a shuttle ride to where Voyager was being held, and it took her breath away as the distant image entered her line of vision. Her old battle wounds had been healed and she looked brand new. Much of the integrated technology the crew had to install was taken out and examined. Some of it had been implemented in new ship designs. 

As soon as she stepped foot on the ship, she felt an ache in her heart. She hadn’t realized how much she'd missed it.

“Kathryn, there you are!” B’Elanna said, hugging her and guiding her to everyone else.

“Harry, I didn’t know you were coming,” Kathryn said, delighted to see another friendly face. 

“Neither did I, but Tom asked if I wanted to see the ship and I couldn’t resist,” he said. 

“I’m glad you’re here. It’s always nice to see you,” she said, giving him a hug.

“My dad’s running a little late. He told us that he would just meet us at the restaurant. Truth be told I think he felt like he was intruding,” Tom said.

“That’s ridiculous, he shouldn’t feel that way. He’s always welcome,” Kathryn said.

“Hey! I heard that all our old quarters got upgrades, why don’t we go check them out?” Harry asked.

“Alright,” Kathryn said, with a smile.

Kathryn walked down the corridors with an eerie feeling. She had lived on this ship for seven years. It was home, but not anymore. She looked around and felt like a stranger. 

“Here are the captain’s quarters,” Tom pointed out. 

“I think Tom and I should go look at our old quarters. Harry, why don’t you look at yours,” B’Elanna said, pushing the men away from the door. 

The three of them walked away, but Kathryn stood still. She faced the door but didn’t open it, not yet. Taking a deep breath, she decided to finally walk in.

The room was dim, lit only with candles. The scent of flowers and the warm glow, greeted her as she walked in. It was beautiful, and if she didn’t know any better, she’d assume something this elaborate came from Q. This, however, was a grand gesture to win her back, not to impress her. It was an apology, and apologies were not very Q-like.

“Chakotay?” she called out.

He came out from the bedroom area, carrying a bottle of champagne. He quickly placed it on the table and walked towards her. 

“What is all this?” she asked.

“I wasn’t sure how else to grab your attention,”

“There are a number of ways, but this is…beautiful,” she said.

“Kathryn, I’m so sorry about last night. I didn’t…”

“Annika talked to me this morning, told me everything. I’m sorry for running off without letting you explain. I just, I assumed that you were using me as a place holder and once she came back... I’d be tossed aside. I mean this whole thing started because you wanted to make her jealous using me. I jumped to the conclusion that it was still the case. I was hurt, and embarrassed,”

“Kathryn, I never want you to feel that way. I would never toss you aside for anyone or anything,”

She knew he was telling the truth. His eyes never left hers, they nervously searched her features to try and anticipate her response. 

“Good, then…maybe we should start over,” she said. 

“Well, there is one more thing I have to get off my chest,” he confessed.

“What?” she asked, his serious tone causing her nerves to grow and her thoughts to run rampant.

“I don’t want to start anything without being completely honest...I lied. I mean, when we were starting the agreement. I never intended to get back with Annika, I never tried to make her jealous, and I wasn’t using you,”

She paused as her confused mind attempted to make sense of everything.

“Let me wrap my head around this. So you weren’t using me, but you  **were** lying to me? You were toying with my feelings? What kind of demented…” she couldn't even communicate what she was feeling. No words could adequately convey her hurt and her anger. 

“Kathryn after ten long years of feelings being buried, after a long time not talking to one another, I had no illusions that you’d simply run into my arms if I confessed my feelings. Then there was the letter. You were embarrassed and hurt that I finally knew how you had felt for all those years. I was just trying to find a way for you to be able to open up to me without feeling like you were truly being vulnerable,”

“So, this was your solution? Torture me for weeks, taunt me with the idea of a relationship I thought I’d never have, so that you could trick me into being in said relationship?”

“Kathryn, I didn’t know that I was hurting you. If I had, I wouldn’t have kept up the lie. I’m so sorry,”

“This…this is too much. I can’t do this right now... Why didn’t you just talk to me?…why did you come up with this idiotic plan?”

“I needed to do something drastic, something that would convince you that we could be great together. I promise, if you give me a second chance, I will never lie to you again,”

“I…I don’t know,” she said. 

“I know that I hurt you. I know you feel angry and betrayed but…”

“You’re right. I’m angry. I’m damned angry. I’m angry because you lied, because you made me feel like an idiot, because you hurt me. Even after all of this, I still can’t hate you," Her words should have given him hop, but the way she said them broke his heart instead. "But I can’t forgive you either,” she whispered. 

“I’m sorry. I have to go,” she said tearfully as she walked towards the door.

She stood for a few seconds, but it didn’t open.

“Not so fast admiral,” said a familiar voice over the comm.

“Tom? Let me out,” she said impatiently, her hands on her hips and her voice stern. 

“No one leaves until you two work everything out,” Tom replied. 

“This is ridiculous, let me out right now,” She exclaimed.

No response.

“Tom? Goddammit, let me out of here,” she said, banging a fist on the door.

* * *

“I’m not sure this is a good idea anymore,” Harry said nervously.

Tom paid close attention to the screen, which showed a visual of the captains quarters. 

“Will you relax? They’ll be fine, I’m sure of it,” he said.

“I’m also sure that all three of us are dead once she gets out,” B’Elanna said.

* * *

“Looks like we’re stuck here for a while,” Chakotay said.

“I’m done talking,” she said, walking over to the couch and taking a seat.

“Then why don’t we eat something,”

She continued to stare out the viewport, not even acknowledging his presence. 

“The silent treatment isn’t going to get us anywhere Kathryn,”

“Well, I have nothing left to say,” she replied, still not looking at him. 

“Then yell,” he said.

“What?” she asked, turning around. 

“You’re angry, don’t hide it. Holding in our feelings is how we got here in the first place. So, yell at me, scream at me, tell me that I’m an idiot. Throw something at my head, whatever you feel that you have to do, I want you to do it,”

“You want me to yell?” she asked. 

“Yes,”

She stood up and placed her hands on her hips. 

“Fine. I’ll yell. I’ll yell at you about how I’ve loved you for years and I was so afraid of the consequences that I kept it to myself. I thought, stupidly, that you’d wait for me. I thought that when we got home we could finally be together and nothing would hold us back, but you left. You abandoned me for a twenty-something blonde, who had the emotional capacity and understanding of a child. Then three years later you trick me into faking a relationship with you. You lied, you teased, you exploited my feelings, and you made a fool out of me,” 

He stood there silently waiting for her to finish, knowing full well that he deserved it.

“Now we’re here, trapped in this room together, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to handle it. I’m so angry at you, but I don’t hate you. I’ve wanted to be with you for so long, but now I’m questioning everything. I’m an intelligent person, I enjoy an intellectual challenge, but this is **beyond** mind boggling. I want so badly to hate you, to not want you near me, to never think about you, but I can’t,”

She took in a deep breath before continuing.

“If we ever started a relationship, I know I’d be waiting for you to leave me. I’d be looking over my shoulder, scared that you’d run away again, that you’d find someone better. I can’t live like that, I won't,” she said, her voice no longer containing anger, but sadness. 

She sat back down and avoided his eyes.

“I don’t think I could handle it. I don’t think I would survive if I opened up and gave myself to you only to be rejected,”

“Kathryn, I swear on my life that I could never find someone better, someone I love more. You are it for me,”

“I thought that was the case three years ago, but I was wrong,” she said.

“I wanted you to say something. If you had come to me when we first got back to earth, I would have ended it with Annika and I would have gotten together with you. Why didn’t you tell me this then? Why did you wait?”

She thought for a moment about the temporal prime directive, but brushed it aside considering the timeline she was about to discuss no longer existed. 

“In the other Admiral’s timeline, the two of you had married. I didn’t think I stood a chance,”

“Kathryn…I had no idea. But that obviously wasn’t how things played out in this timeline,”

“You two were together for a long time,” she pointed out. 

“I had given up on you Kathryn. After all that time, all the missed opportunities. I didn’t think that my feelings had ever been reciprocated. Then I read the letter,”

“I wish you hadn’t. That letter has caused nothing but trouble,”

“If I hadn’t seen that, I never would’ve believed you felt that way,” he said.

He walked over to where she was sitting and took the place next to her. 

“Kathryn?” 

Her look was distant and weary, he could tell she was on the verge of tears. 

“What were you hoping to accomplish tonight?” she asked.

“I was hoping that we could have this conversation, be honest and open about everything and maybe start over,”

“After everything we’ve been through, everything we’ve put each other through, do you really believe that’s possible?” she asked. 

“I do,” he said confidently.

His stomach was in knots waiting for her to respond. Her silence seemed unending, and it caused his heart to beat so rapidly it nearly burst. Finally she had an answer. 

“Ok,” she said softly.

“Ok?” he asked, making sure he heard her correctly.

She raised her hand and ran her thumb gently across his cheek.

“I’d be making a mistake if I didn’t at least give us a try so...ok,” she said. 

“I think that we should crack open the champagne, I suddenly feel like celebrating,” he said with a bright smile. 

She wiped away her tears and chuckled, following him to the table.

* * *

“I cannot believe that actually worked,” Harry said in shock.

“Place your bets now for the engagement and wedding, this time the stakes are higher than a few replicator rations,” Tom said. 

B’Elanna quickly struck his arm, causing him to wince. 

“Will you two shut up? I can’t hear what they're saying,” she said angrily.

* * *

Chakotay went to open the bottle, but as soon as he did it started spraying everywhere, most of it getting all over Kathryn’s clothing.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to…” Chakotay’s apology was cut short as she hurled a glass of water right in his face. 

When he opened his eyes, he noticed her standing in front of him trying her hardest to stifle a laugh but failing miserably.

“That’s it,” he said, chasing after her with another glass.

“No!” she shouted, giggling in the process.

He dumped it on her and in retaliation she grabbed the rolls off the table and started throwing them at his head.

“Enough, enough! I surrender!” he shouted.

She was about to throw another roll his way when he caught her wrist and drew her close. They were both still giggling but suddenly stopped upon realizing how close they were. He brushed a wet strand of hair out of her face and leaned in close to capture her lips in a searing kiss.

* * *

“I have to admit, out of all the possible outcomes for tonight, I did not imagine a food fight and a follow-up make-out session,” Tom said.

“Are they gonna…” Harry started but didn’t need to finish that sentence when a loud moan interrupted him.

“Yes, Harry I think they are,” Tom said, patting him on the back and trying to hold back a laugh.

“Alright, come on. This isn’t what we came here to watch. Let’s give them some privacy,” B’Elanna said.

She and Harry stood up and left, but Tom’s eyes remained on the screen.

“Tom,” B’Elanna called.

“Yeah…I’m coming,” he said absentmindedly.

“How are they so flexible? That…woah ok, was not expecting that.” He said to himself, shifting his head to the side to get a better view.

“Tom! Now!” she yelled.

He quickly hopped out of the seat and turned the screen off.

“Coming honey,” he said, still running the images through in his head and questioning everything he knew about his commanding officers.

* * *

Kathryn and Chakotay slammed back onto the bed, completely out of breath and unable to stop smiling..

“That was…amazing,” he said.

Kathryn laughed, still trying to understand everything that just happened.

She got closer to him and snuggled into his embrace.

“I always imagined our first time would be here, on the ship, in your quarters,” he said.

“Really? I always imagined it happening  in my ready room,” she teased.

“Oh, I know. Page three of the letter. That was a very good page. I should have that page framed,”

She laughed out loud and hit his shoulder. 

“I love you, Kathryn,”

“I love you too,”

“I’m so sorry...for everything,”

“I know,”

“I don’t know how to even begin making it up to you,”

“Well, I have a few ideas, but let’s catch our breath first. I have a feeling you’ll have plenty of time to make it up to me,”

There was a moment of comfortable silence before either spoke again. Suddenly, a thought popped into Kathryn’s head.

“So…how would you feel about living in Indiana?” she asked with a smile.

  
  



	8. Chapter 8

**Epilogue:**

“Kathryn are you ready?” Chakotay called up the stairs. 

“Coming,” she hurried down the steps and tried to balance while putting her heels on. 

He smiled and took in the image of her. 

“You look beautiful,” he said, kissing her cheek.

“And you look very handsome,” she said, fixing his tie. 

“Thank you,” he said.

“Alright, let’s get going,” she suggested, pushing him towards the door.

“Do you realize that this is the first event we'll be attending as a real couple?” he asked.

“I know, it’s kinda strange. It will also be the first event where we leave early due to the fact we can’t go very long keeping our hands to ourselves,”

“Hey, that’s all you,” he said, innocently. 

“Mmmm maybe, but I haven’t heard any complaints yet,” she said, leaning in close.

“And you never will,”  he said, kissing her lips gently.

* * *

 

They arrived at the party and immediately greeted their friends. Once the man of the hour had arrived, the whole room was bustling with joyful laughter and retelling of memories with Admiral Paris. After a few dances and two glasses of champagne, Chakotay asked Kathryn if they could go somewhere private to speak. Before they could get away, she felt a tap on her shoulder and turned around to face Mark.

She looked at Chakotay and told him she’d meet him in a second, then turned back to her former fiancée. 

“Mark, how are you?” she asked.

“I’m great. I actually wanted to apologize for how I acted a few weeks ago. I was out of line and it wasn’t right to try and avoid my marital problems by getting back together with you. After that night, I really put an effort into trying to work things out with Carla. I want to thank you for …pushing me away. As crazy as it sounds, it’s what sent me back home and forced me to really try and repair my relationship. Carla’s actually here tonight so I should get back to her, but you look very happy yourself. I guess I was wrong, you and Chakotay make a great couple. I’m glad everything worked out,” he said. 

“Me too,” she said, brushing a hand over his shoulder and saying goodbye. 

At least that was one less thing for her to worry about. She was glad to see him and his wife happy again. He deserved someone who could give him what he wanted, and that was never her.

* * *

 

B’Elanna, Tom and Harry continued talking. Harry, facing the couple, was telling a story about his new job promotion. Suddenly he noticed the pair grow oddly quiet.

“What is it?” Harry asked.

Tom pointed over Harry’s shoulder, causing him to turn around. His breath was nearly knocked out of him by the gorgeous sight. 

“Hello, Harry. It’s been a while,” she said with a small smile.

“It’s nice to see you Seven,” he replied. 

“Please, call me Annika. Actually, I came over here to see if you’d like to dance. I’m not very good, but hopefully, you can accommodate your dancing to my skill level,”

“I’d be glad to,” he replied, his cheeks blushing slightly. 

* * *

Kathryn walked outside the glass doors, closing them behind her.

“What did you want to talk about?” she said, approaching Chakotay.

“Close your eyes and hold out your hand,” he said.

“Okay,” she complied, slightly confused.

Three seconds later she felt him place something small in the center of her palm. 

“Open your eyes,” he said. 

When she followed the direction, she saw a beautiful silver ring with a large diamond adorning its center. 

“Kathryn Janeway, will you…”

“Yes!” she interrupted.

“Can I finish?” he asked laughing.

“Sorry, yes go ahead,” she said, blushing.

“Will you marry…”

“Yes! Sorry, I’m not very patient,” she said quickly before kissing him. 

“I don’t think I should wear the ring until we get home. This is Owen’s night and I don’t want to take away any attention,” she said, putting the ring in her clutch bag.

“When do you want to leave?” he asked.

“After we sing happy birthday and get cake,” 

“Ok,”

“The ring is beautiful by the way,” she said.

“I’m glad you like it,”

“What do you think about a spring wedding?” she asked.

“You pick a day and I’ll show up,” he replied.

“Spring it is,”

“I’d marry you right here, right now if I could,” he said.

“I love you,” she said. 

“I love you too,” 

________________________________________

**_Three months later_ **

“Are you ready?” Tom whispered.

“More than I’ve ever been,” Chakotay replied.

Suddenly their attentions were both drawn straight ahead as Kathryn began walking towards them, arm in arm with her mother. Chakotay’s eyes started to tear up. He had never seen her so beautiful, and he never thought he'd be lucky enough for this day to come. Her dress was simple and gorgeous, embroidered with lace and perfectly shaped to fit her body. Her hair hung in loose curls and contained small flowers. 

Owen Paris volunteered to lead the ceremony. Now it was time for their vows.

“Kathryn, I told you once that you were my source of peace, you taught me the true meaning of the word. I should have added that you were also the one who taught me love. Even then I knew. We’ve made some mistakes, took the long way to find one another, but I can honestly say that I’ve never been happier. You are everything to me, and for so long I convinced myself that I’d have to live without you by my side. Any life I lead without you is only half a life. I vow to protect you, care for you, and love you until my last dying day,”

“Chakotay, I should never have agreed to let you go first,” she said, wiping a tear from her eye. 

She waited for the laughter to fade before continuing.

“For two people who were supposed to be enemies, I’d say it’s rather incredible that we’re standing here today. I have so many regrets, not telling you how I felt sooner is one of my biggest. I knew I loved you within the first year of being lost in the delta quadrant. It was your friendship which helped keep me grounded and sane. Spending seven years out there, facing danger, and beating the odds, I don’t think I could have done it without you. You are my rock. And while, yes, we took a long time to finally get here, in the end we stand today, proclaiming our love to the world. I have never loved someone so deeply, never understood someone so well, never knew the happiness that I was missing could be found in you. I promise never to hide any part of myself from you, I promise to stand by you through anything, and above all, I will do my best not to give you orders as if I’m still your captain,” 

He laughed, and they slipped the rings on one another’s fingers. 

“You may now kiss the bride” Owen said over the thunderous applause. 

“It’s about time,” he said.

The reception was extravagant and beautiful and every member of Voyager's former crew came to see the happy couple. 

“You look beautiful Aunt Kathryn,” 

“Thank you, Naomi. You were an excellent bridesmaid. I have to say you handled Miral’s meltdown very well, without you, our flower girl may have thrown the basket instead of the petals,” 

“No problem, hopefully, her little brother will have a better temper. Probably not, but one can dream,” 

“Naomi, I have to thank you for what you did that day, sending the letter. If it wasn’t for you, none of this would be happening,”

“I’m just glad to see you happy,” she said. 

Kathryn smiled brightly and hugged the young girl.

“I should go check to see where my mom is. I’m sure she’ll want to say hi,”

“Alright. Meantime, I should find my husband,”

Before she could move, someone wrapped their arms around her in an awkward hug.

“Hi, Pheebs,” she said, knowing those bony arms anywhere. 

“This is a great party. That crew of yours really knows how to have a good time. Now give me one good reason why you haven’t ditched this thing to go off with your new husband,”

“If I could find him, I would,” she said. 

“Congratulations Kat, you look great, I’ve never seen you so happy,” she said, smiling.

“I am happy. So happy that I won’t punch you in the arm for calling me by that ridiculous nickname,”

Phoebe chuckled and looked to the right. 

“Ahh just in time, I see the wonderful groom. Oh, but Kathryn you have to throw the bouquet before you leave, it’s tradition,”

“Fine, you tell everyone to get ready. I’m going to go talk to my husband,”

She walked across the room and then it hit her; the thought that he was ‘her husband’, and she was ‘his wife’ was rather insane. 

“Hey, you,” she whispered in his ear.

“I was wondering where my beautiful bride had gone,” he said, gathering her in his arms and staring down into her lovely eyes. 

“I’m giving us fifteen minutes to throw the bouquet and find the fastest way to the hotel room. I want out of this dress for more than a few reasons,” she said suggestively.

“Did I ever tell you that I love you?” he said with a smirk.

“A few times, but I’d rather you show me,”

She walked away, hips swaying, towards the group of women gathered on the dance floor. 

She stood with her back facing towards the crowd, counted to three, and hurled the flowers over her head. When she turned around, she noticed Annika staring down at the bouquet in her hands, followed her looking across the room and smiling at Harry. He smiled back and took a sip of his drink, secretly fiddling with the ring box in his pocket which he had carried everywhere with him for the past two weeks. 

As the crowd clapped and focused their attention on Annika, Kathryn took that moment to make her escape. 

“I can’t believe we’re ditching our own wedding,” he said.

“Oh relax, it’s just the reception. I’m proud that we made it through the ceremony,”

“What happens when people realize we left?”

“They keep partying, meanwhile you and I are attending a more…exclusive party of our own,” she said with a wink.

“You’re amazing,”

“I know,”

“Is it possible to want to marry someone all over again after only a few hours?” he asked.

* * *

**_One Year Later_ **

He walked in just like he did every day. Usually Kathryn would beat him home and would be downstairs playing with the dog, or finishing up some work, but the house was almost too quiet. The dog was in her bed, nearly asleep, and his wife wasn't at her desk. 

“Kathryn?” he called.

“Upstairs,” she yelled back 

He walked up the steps and through the doorway of their bedroom. His stride came to a halt when he heard her sniffling. 

“Kathryn? What’s wrong?” he asked, not bothering to hide his concern.

“Nothing,” she said wiping her tears and hiding a padd behind her back.

“What do you have there?” he asked. 

“I don’t have anything,” she said. 

“Yes, you do, I saw you hide it,” his voice grew playful as he tried to reach around her and grab it. Her sad expression changed to match his playful one.

“It’s a…letter,” she said, holding it away from him.

“You mean the kind you write when you…” 

“When I fall in love,” she said, finishing his sentence.

“So, can I read it?” he asked with a smirk.

“Who said it was for you?” she asked.

His stomach clenched at the thought of her heart belonging to anyone else, but her smirk and raised brow told him she was messing around and any bad thoughts that he had quickly vanished. 

“If it isn’t for me, who is it for?” he asked.

Rather than replying, she simply handed it to him. 

“It’s a little short right now, but I’ll add to it,” she said.

He started reading.

 

_ “To the man, I will love, _

_    Today I realized what was missing in my life. Today I found the piece I needed to complete our puzzle. Today I fell in love. It was instant, never before had I felt anything like it. I’m not sure what you look like, I don’t even know your name, but I know that you are my everything from now until the end of time. I can’t wait to meet you. I wonder what your father will say when I tell him. I know he’ll be just as happy as I am.  _

                                                                                                                       _Love, your mother”_

 

“Kathryn…” he started to speak but so many thoughts were flying through his head, that one word was all he could manange. 

“I had the doctor confirm it this morning. We're having a baby,” she said with a teary-eyed smile. 

His face shifted from shock to utter joy in seconds and he scooped her up into a hug. 

He pulled back to look at her, the mother of his child, his son.

“How do you know it’s a boy?” he asked.

“He ran a few tests, he asked if I wanted to know the sex and I’m really impatient. I hope you don’t mind me ruining the surprise,”

“Spirits, I love you so much,” he said, hugging her again and kissing the top of her head. 

“I know,” she replied.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! The story is finished! (Just in time for my birthday). I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. This was a fun story to create. Thanks to everyone who commented or left Kudos or supported this story in any way, you guys keep me motivated to keep writing. I wouldn't say this was my best story, it certainly isn't a masterpiece, but I love it anyway. Maybe, if people are interested, I'd be compelled to make this into a series and continue their story. Or maybe I can make a series where I put our favorite command couple into a bunch of different romantic movie plots. I'm not sure. Let me know what you think and thank you again for all the support.


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